


lux tenebris

by flowersandsunshine



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Donalduke - Freeform, F/M, beadick, pedrazar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 08:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4997869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersandsunshine/pseuds/flowersandsunshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Light and Dark meet.<br/>Hero is interrupted by John during lunch one day, and they become friends, against all odds (and when one of those odds is named Beatrice Duke, it's amazing that they overcame the odds at all).<br/>Set during Lovely Little Losers, AU. Mentions of Beadick and Pedrazar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A New Beginning for You...and Me

**Author's Note:**

> I was a little bit obsessed with the idea of Hero and John at the end of NMTD, and the most recent episodes of Lolilo have amplified that again. I'm sorry. I hope you enjoy the first installment of this fic!

“Are you… can I… sorry, may I sit here? There aren’t any other seats.”

Hero glanced up and smiled at the person standing over her. “Oh, yes, of course. Please, sit.”

John Donaldson sat awkwardly across the table from her. He looked at her through his eyelashes a few times before beginning to eat, pulling out a book to complement his meal.

Looking up once, Hero bit her lip and wondered if she really was willing to have John eat with her. She was still slightly wary of him, but she couldn’t really refuse to let him sit there—not when there were no other seats in the quad. She sighed inwardly and continued eating.

“What are you reading?”

Hero jolted alert, reminded suddenly that the person sitting across from her wasn’t completely to be trusted. I can trust him, right? She looked up at him and stared for a few moments. “Sorry, what? I didn’t catch that.”

“Must be a really good book.” John nodded his head at the book in her hand. “What is it?”

“Oh… Oh, I’m reading Wuthering Heights. For school. It’s not bad. I guess. I don’t know. I think it’s a little too dark for me.” Hero shrugged. 

“I can imagine that. It’s a downer of a book.” John smiled. “I liked it, though.”

“What? You did?” She laughed before remembering that John had a dark side himself. She had just never really pictured him reading classic literature that often. 

“Yes, although if you tell Ped—Peter that I said that, I’ll…” John hesitated, doubt flickering in his eyes. “Sorry. I’ll… not do anything, I suppose. You can tell him if you really feel like it. Not a big deal.” 

He was so visibly uncomfortable at that thought that Hero had to fight back a smile and changed the subject quickly. “How is Peter? Have you talked to him recently?”

“He’s, uh, well. I suppose he’s okay. His flat rules and dynamics with other flatmates, you know, and whatnot are really getting to him. Understandable, though. Have you seen the videos?”

“Yes. They’re kind of insane.” Hero laughed, shaking her head at the ridiculousness that was the Wellington flat. 

John smiled slightly. “They’re very insane, actually, and obviously the rules were really only created for Peter’s sake.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Hero’s smile grew slightly. “Balthazar loves his hummus.”

John laughed out loud at that, his eyes crinkling at the corners and his head going back slightly. “Oh, my god. You’re right. Balthazar did play a part in that, for sure.” He stopped laughing slowly, shaking his head and glancing up at Hero.

Her eyes were widened and she was staring at John with an odd expression on her face.

“You okay?” he finally asked.

“Yes. Yeah, sorry. I just… It’s nice to see you smile again,” Hero admitted, somewhat awkwardly. “We—none of us have seen that in a while.”

“None of us?” John asked after a pause.

“You know. Our group.” She shrugged.

“Have you guys talked about me?” he asked in surprise.

“Well… You’re Peter’s brother. We worried about you.” Another shrug.

John studied her face for a moment. “And now we all worry about Peter. How the times have changed.”

“I mean, he’s not that bad. Truly. I think he’ll be fine. Also, he’s in a play, and we know that always settles him, no matter how much he tries to be calm about it.” Hero glanced at her phone. “We have to get to class…”

John stood immediately. “Yes, sorry. I’m sorry to have disturbed you from your book and meal, but… thank you.”

Hero stood more slowly. “For what?”

“Um, I guess, for talking with me.” He took a step back. “It was nice to talk to someone.”

“John—” Hero started, a concerned look crossing her face.

“I have to go. I’ll see you later.” John took two more steps backward before turning and walking away.

Hero watched him go before laughing slightly to herself, more out of confusion and concern than anything else, and pulled out her phone to text Beatrice. “Guess who I just had an interesting conversation with?”

Beatrice lost no time in replying. “Who? The Queen of England? I know, I know. You were chatting with Leonardo DiCaprio, am I right? I’m right.”

“No!” Hero texted back. “Don’t be so ridiculous. It was John.”

“Donaldson.”

“Yes.”

“…explain to me why you thought that was a good idea.”

Hero frowned and sent a final text before class started. 

“Why wouldn’t it be?”  
 


	2. Men Were Deceivers Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice comes home from Wellington and pesters her cousin about her new friend.

“Hero! My lovely, wonderful, most beautiful cousin!” Beatrice launched herself out the car door and hugged her cousin. She turned to Meg, who was holding the camera, and added, “Sorry, Balth. You’re beautiful, too.”

“Beatrice! Meg! It’s great to see you again! You were gone too long! And we have much to discuss,” Hero said as ominously as she could muster. She may have failed a little, but she tried.

Meg laughed. “It was an interesting visit, that’s for sure. A tent? Benedick, you dick, you have so much to answer for,” she said to the camera. 

Beatrice was still hanging around her cousin’s waist, holding on for dear life. “Hero,” she said, “what have you been doing while we’ve been gone? You’ve barely texted me.”

“Stop your whining,” Hero laughed. “You never texted me, either. You can’t really complain about this to me.”

Bea groaned. “I do what I want. Right?”

Meg nodded solemnly. “But now, I am heading home. Enjoy your cousin time. Goodbye, Beatrice. It was a lovely trip.”

Bea laughed. “Bye, Meg! Drive safe!”

Once Meg had left, Hero grabbed Bea’s bag and they walked inside. “So really, how are you feeling after the trip?”

Beatrice thought for a moment. “Honestly? I guess I’ll have to get back to you on that. I don’t know how to feel about things.”

Hero smiled. “Okay. Just let me know if you need to talk.”

“Oh, no. I always need to talk. It’s a part of who I am.” Beatrice flopped down on the couch and sighed, content. “You tell me what’s going on with you and what you’ve been up to recently, and then I will tell you all my sparkling opinions that are always infallible. Am I right? I’m right.”

Rolling her eyes, Hero came and sat down next to Bea. “I’ve just been going to school, watching Meg’s and Ben’s videos, playing the ukulele. It’s been quiet. Boring, even.”

Bea’s eyes narrowed. “Routine, even.”

“Yes.” Hero shrugged. “Routine.”

Nodding her head over and over, Beatrice kept her eyes trained on Hero’s.

“All right, then,” Hero finally said. “Since you obviously aren’t going to talk—”

“I never said that,” Bea interrupted her. “Tell me about John.”

“Oh!” Hero exclaimed, surprised. “Uh, he and I talked a couple of times. I mean, Ursula was sick so I ate lunch with John instead.”

“And?” Bea prompted.

She paused. “He’s… very smart. I mean, we all knew that, but I hadn’t realized how smart, exactly. He’s desperate. I mean, not desperate in a bad way, but he was surprised that I would talk to him and thanked me for it. I think he’s ignored a lot.”

“Yeah, well, he was, and could still be, an asshole, so it makes sense,” Beatrice said, nodding sagely. “I mean, I love Pedr—Peter, and I love his family, but my god, John is an enigma. Also he lies, so trusting him is…impossible, I would say.”

Hero smiled. “He doesn’t lie anymore. Come on, Bea. And it’s not that hard to get to know him. You just have to get past his outer layers. He’s willing to be your friend if you want.”

“Right. What do you two even talk about?” Beatrice pushed.

“Books, television, concepts from classes we share, um… our annoying relations…” Hero laughed as Bea moved to tackle her off the couch. “Really, though, we have a lot in common. More than I thought.”

“So you’ve forgiven him?”

“Yes.”

Beatrice raised her eyebrows at Hero’s certainty. “Even though he broke you and Claudio up? And lied about basically everything?”

Hero frowned. “Claudio didn’t have to believe the seed that John planted in Pedro’s head.”

“Peter.”

“He was Pedro then,” Hero said, her voice edging on irritability. “Anyway. John was not the only person to blame. Besides, I’m friends with Claudio, sort of, and he hurt me more than John or Peter ever did.”

Beatrice sat quietly for a moment, staring her cousin down. “Okay,” she finally said. “I believe you. That doesn’t mean I have to like John.”

“You don’t have to.” Hero smiled. “He’s my friend, not yours. Now. I was thinking about baking some cookies tonight. Would you like that?”

Bea made an excited face and turned to stare into an invisible camera. “Would I?” she dramatized.

“Calm down, Leslie Knope.” Hero laughed and stood. “You have to help me.”

“Oh.” Bea’s shoulders slumped forward slightly. “I suppose if I have to. Also,” she started as she stood to follow Hero into the kitchen, “I always thought of myself as April, not Leslie. I mean, come on.”

“Alright, you can be April,” Hero conceded. “I get to be Chris, though.”

“Oh, my god, yes,” Bea whispered, her eyes widening. “Why are you so cheerful all the time?”

Hero laughed. “It’s a gift.” 

“That’s another point! How can you be around John all the time? He’s so dark.”

Pulling down her recipe book, Hero turned to smile at her cousin, her eyes laughing. “Do you like poetry?”

“No,” Beatrice said adamantly, making a face.

“Too bad. There are many poems which say something along the lines of, ‘To see the light, you must first have darkness’. We contrast well.”

Beatrice made another face. “Gross. Just make the cookies.”

“Chocolate?”

“Duh.” Beatrice grabbed the roller. “What do I do with this?”

“Oh, my goodness,” Hero laughed. “I’ve missed you.”

Beatrice spontaneously turned and hugged Hero again. “Same.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I was as cool as Beatrice.


	3. So Let Those Rainbows Apologize for those Grey Skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea isn't too keen on John.

“Beatrice?” Hero called. “Are you here?”

Bea’s door opened and she poked her head out. “Yes?”

“Uh, hi… I wasn’t interrupting anything, was I?” Hero asked anxiously.

“Just Ben. He’ll live. The Skype connection was poor anyway. What’s up?” 

“Oh, tell him I say hi! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that some people are coming over.” Hero shrugged. “That’s it. We have schoolwork. So if you hear any loud noises, no, we are not having a party, and no, you don’t need to come check on us to make sure we are not having a party. There will be no alcohol.” She laughed. “Sorry.”

“Bummer. Does homework mean Ursula, though?” Beatrice asked, pushing the door completely open and grinning. “I haven’t seen her in so long. Forever. And ever. Why hasn’t she come over?”

“It does mean Ursula… And Verges, too.”

Bea blinked in surprise. “Do you have any classes with Verges?”

“No…” Hero sighed. “She insisted on coming to protect me.”

“From what?” Beatrice’s eyebrows furrowed together in concern.

“Well, John is coming, too, and Dogberry and Verges found out…” Hero shrugged. “So Verges is coming to protect me from him.”

Beatrice burst out laughing and leaned against her door frame. “Oh, my god, I can’t wait to see his face when he finds out! Can I be downstairs when he gets here?”

“He already knows.” Hero smiled slightly. “I texted him.”

“You have John Donaldson’s number?” Bea asked, her smile dropping from her face. “Really?”

“Beatrice, I’ve had his number since he first got a phone. He was Pedro Donaldson’s brother, remember? He was important to our group. You used to have his number, too, until you deleted it in a rush of anger against him.” Hero rolled her eyes. “You can be downstairs if you want while he’s here, but you have to be civil. Okay?”

Bea blinked in surprise for the second time in a couple of minutes. “Okay, yeah. When am I not?”

Hero frowned. “Thanks, Bea.” She turned to head back downstairs.

Beatrice watched her cousin start to walk away before laughing. “Be careful, or I’ll tell Leo you’ve been texting a boy!”

“I don’t care!” Hero yelled back, smiling in spite of herself. 

“You’re texting a boy?”

Both girls whirled around at the male voice. Leo Duke was standing behind Bea, his face set in a quizzical expression.

Hero smiled and waved her hands around noncommittedly. “You know. For homework.”

“That’s how it starts,” he said, giving his sister a meaningful look. “Who is this boy? Should I warn the mums that you could be getting married sometime in the next six months?” He winked at Bea.

She laughed and joined in. “You’ll be changing your name, and then you’ll have little Heroes, and it’ll be a mess everywhere and you’ll just bake over it all.”

“And then the love of your life will be coming home—”

“Guys,” Hero warned them.

“—and you’ll remember just how much you love him and all the mess will be worth it again,” Leo sighed. “True love. It can’t be beat.” 

“God.” Hero ended up just rolling her eyes and taking the easiest tactic she could think of. “Please stop. Yes, I’m texting a boy. Yes, it’s for school. Can’t you just trust me this time?”

Leo and Beatrice both winced and Hero immediately felt bad, but it was too late to take it back. She tried anyway. “Sorry. I’m just tired of the constant questions from Beatrice about him, and the teasing is—”

“It’s fine, Hero.” Leo gave a tight smile. “Enjoy your studying. Don’t let Verges eat all the cookies.” He disappeared back into his room.

Beatrice grimaced. “Now he’s mad.”

“Sorry,” Hero said in a quiet voice.

Sighing, Beatrice started to head back into her room. “You know, if you were tired of me asking questions, you could have told me,” she said over her shoulder before shutting the door.

Hero sighed. “Don’t even think about crying, Hero Duke,” she chastised herself. Her phone dinged, and she checked it, grateful for the distraction.

It was from John. “On my way! Thanks again for inviting me to study with you two. And Verges. haha”

Hero smiled and hit reply. “You’re very welcome! I’ll see you soon.”


	4. Feels Like A Brand New Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah hey... sorry... I got really sick and then swamped with homework. Senior year of college is no picnic, guys. (EXCEPT I LOVE SCHOOL SHHH). I hope you enjoy :D (also... thank you for the comments! you all are lovely and I don't deserve it haha)

“John? Can I…?” Hero motioned at the empty chair.

John nodded and moved over slightly to make room for her. “Did you finish the physics assignment? I didn’t understand anything.”

“I had Beatrice help me, actually,” Hero said, pulling out her notebook. “I can try to help you… I hope.”

He laughed. “That would be great. How is Beatrice?”

“Oh, you know,” Hero said evasively. 

John’s head snapped up and he took a moment to study Hero. Her head was down, like she was avoiding his gaze, and his question. “Hero?”

She looked up at him and shrugged. “Can we get on with this?”

“No,” he said slowly. “What’s actually going on with Bea?”

“Oh, well, I mean…” Hero sighed. “You’re too smart.”

“You’re awfully see-through,” John replied, smiling slightly. “Not hard to read at all. But really. Is Beatrice okay?”

“Oh! Oh, yes, she’s fine. Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. It’s just… I guess you could say she doesn’t approve of our friendship.” Hero bit her lip and looked apologetically at him. “It’s quite annoying, but she brings it up whenever I mention you.”

“Is she still stuck on last year?” John asked. “I mean, if so, it makes sense. I was a horrible human being.”

Hero laughed. “You caused a few problems. She even brought up the fact that you broke up Claudio and me.”

“I sort of take pride in that,” he muttered, glancing away.

Hero smiled to herself. “She’s just… Beatrice. You know? Prejudiced and outspoken and spunky and one of the most wonderful people in the world, but also one of the worst.”

“And you love her, yes, yes, I remember.” John shook his head in amusement. “Beatrice was always one of my favorite people, too, actually.”

“Really? Did you know her all that well?” Hero asked in surprise.

“No, no, not really. But Peter always talked about her, all the time. He told me stories of fourteen-year-old Bea, full of spunk and will and with a hard head. He told me when he had a crush on her, and when she turned him down in a harsh way, and how devastated he was, and I really understood, because she’s one of the most special people alive.” John shrugged. “Beatrice is an incredible person. You and she make quite the pair.”

Hero sat in silence for a while before smiling. “You know, you really have changed a lot from last year.”

“I would hope so.” John gave a tight smile and looked down at his hands. “I was horrible.”

“You were bored, and overlooked. Not horrible.”

“You know, you really are one of the nicest people in the world. I used to think it was irritating.” He glanced at her and found Hero staring at him with stars shining in her blue eyes. He found it uncomfortable, so he looked away as quickly as he could. 

“And now?”

John paused and thought about his next words carefully, avoiding Hero’s gaze, staring out into space. “And now… your kindness has given me a friend, the first real friend I’ve had in a while. I didn’t have to buy your friendship, and…” He stopped and looked at her face in amazement. “I actually don’t want to get sentimental, but Hero Duke, you are one of my best friends, and I’m amazed that it only took two weeks for us to get to this point.”

“To what point?” Hero asked, trying to keep her cheeks from flushing. She failed.

“To the point where I’m gushing over you. We should do physics.” John reached for his notebook.

Hero blinked at the abrupt change in subject but grabbed her pencil. “Oh, okay. Um, but first, thank you for telling me all that. It’s nice to see the change in you, and I’m really glad we are friends now. It’s nice.”

John smiled and nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Even though we have Verges and Dogberry hiding behind the bookcase, watching us right now. To protect you again?”

Hero glanced up and craned her neck to see around the bookcase. “I swear I didn’t ask them to.”

“I don’t know.” John smiled. “I’m a dangerous guy, and those two are notoriously good sleuths.”

A “yes, indeed we are” came floating their way from the area of the bookcase, followed quickly by a masculine “Shhh!”, causing John and Hero to laugh at their ridiculous friends. 

“Okay…” Hero finally said. “What did you end up getting for the first problem?”

“A headache,” John answered quickly. “If I’m honest.”

“And you are.” Hero smiled at him. “Alright. Let’s start the beginning, then.”


	5. Would His Hand Fit In Yours?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hand holding. So cute.

Beatrice flung open Hero’s door and bounced into the room, flopping herself down on the bed. “Hero!”

Hero glanced up from her book and took her headphones off. “Yes?”

“You have a gentleman caller,” Beatrice whispered dramatically.

“Is it Claudio again?” Hero groaned. “Because I’m really tired of him coming around.”

Beatrice sat up suddenly. “Wait, Claudio has been coming around?”

Hero bit her lip. “No.”

“You’re lying! To me! Your only cousin!”

“You’re not my only cousin,” Hero pointed out. “I have others.”

“Oh my god, you won’t even deny it! Hero Duke. I’m so angry, I could punch you. I won’t, of course, because it would ruin your beautiful face, but the sentiment stands. Why haven’t you told me Claudio’s been coming around? What does he want?” Beatrice was worked up into a frenzy at this point.

“I don’t know,” Hero replied honestly. “He just keeps coming to hang out, I suppose?”

“Bullshit. What an asshole,” Bea said angrily. “Next time he comes, tell me and I’ll go downstairs and punch him.”

“Okay,” Hero agreed good-naturedly. “But…who’s downstairs, if not Claudio?”

“Oh!” Beatrice grinned. “I totally forgot. It’s John. You know, the guy who got Claudio to call you a slut, because he’s untrustworthy.”

Hero rolled her eyes and stood to go downstairs. “What does he want?”

“I don’t know. Get rid of him and come talk to me. Meg and Ursula and Ben are busy and I’m bored!” Bea complained. 

“Okay, okay,” Hero responded, going downstairs. “John! This is pleasant. What are you doing here?”

John was standing uncomfortably right inside the doorway. “Hey, Hero. I was told to stand right here and not move an inch.”

“You can move,” Hero said, slightly taken aback. “Beatrice wasn’t being literal.”

“She said she’d cut my spleen out if I disobeyed,” John said, shrugging as if it wasn’t a big deal. “I thought I wouldn’t give her a reason to try.”

Hero laughed. “Come, sit down.”

John came to sit on the couch next to her. 

“So what’s going on?” she asked. 

He frowned and thought for a moment. “Are you interested in going to the street fair? Tonight is the last night it’s open and I wondered if you would…maybe come with me.”

“Oh.” Hero thought for a moment. “I mean, yes, that would be lovely. I did want to go.” She smiled. “When? Now?”

He nodded.

“Okay. Let me tell Beatrice and Leo and grab my purse, and I’ll join you.” She grinned at him and went upstairs. “Bea?”

Beatrice opened her door. “Is he gone?”

“No. He and I are going to the street fair. Okay?” Hero went into her room and grabbed her purse. When she came out of her room again, Beatrice was still rooted to the spot. “What?”

“You hate the street fair,” Bea said quietly.

“I don’t hate it,” Hero said slowly. 

“You said it gave you a headache. Stressed you out. Made you want to curl up and never come out of your room again.” Beatrice narrowed her eyes. “Is it just you and John?”

Hero nodded. “I’ll be back tonight. Don’t wait up.”

“Hero!” Beatrice gasped in surprise without meaning to. “Are you going to—”

“Going to what, Beatrice?” Hero asked, exasperated. “Go out and have sex with John Donaldson? Come on. I’m just going to have fun with a friend.”

Beatrice frowned and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Why are you being so snippy? You’ve been like this ever since you started hanging out with John.”

“What?” Hero demanded. “God. No. You’ve been pushy and even rude ever since I’ve started hanging out with John. Just…let me go. I’ll be home later. Tell Leo where I am.” She spun on her heel and took off down the stairs, pasting a smile on her face when she was in sight of John. “I’m ready.”

He stood and looked her over carefully. “Is everything okay?” he asked, his eyebrows knit together in concern.

“Yes, everything’s fine. Beatrice is in a weird mood.” Hero opened the front door and they walked outside. 

The evening was pleasant. John bought her dessert and Hero got her face painted, a rainbow across her cheekbone. They stayed out for a while, looking at all the exhibits but not buying anything, just enjoying each other’s company. Hero laughed when a child came up to John and asked him where his parents were. The expression on John’s face was golden, but he did his best, and did end up getting the child back to his parents. 

All in all, Hero thought the night was successful. They had a lot of fun together, but eventually, it was time to get back. 

John laughed when Hero imitated Ben’s fanboying over Doctor Who. “Well, it’s great that he’s found something he loves and doesn’t give up on it, I guess. That’s more than we can say for Peter, you know what I mean?” He raised his eyebrows and winked at Hero.

“Are they ever going to get it together?” Hero mused. “I mean, poor Balthazar. He’s been waiting for so long.”

“Some people would call that idiocy,” John muttered.

She shrugged, swinging her arms freely about her, enjoying the feel of the wind on her hands. “I think it’s adorable. His devotion is remarkable. Really. And Peter’s obliviousness is even more so.”

“He’s not oblivious,” John scoffed. “No way. I think he figured it out after ‘An Ode’. You know. All that stuff about whether Pedro’s hand would fit in his. It was very transparent.”

“Peter doesn’t really have your brains,” Hero said. “I mean, he’s very smart, and all. But he’s not… He’s smart, but he’s not, um…”

“Manipulative,” John suggested. 

“Clever,” Hero argued. “Not clever.” She sighed and glanced over at the hills in the distance. “I hope they’re doing okay. A few minutes of videos each week can only tell you so much about how your friends are holding up.”

She was deep in thought when she felt a hand slip over her own. It surprised her, but not unpleasantly. John’s hand was much bigger than her own, but in a nice way. It felt… safe. She bit back her smile and turned to look at him.

John had his head studiously turned away, looking at something to his right, but he glanced at Hero and gave her a quick smile before turning away again.

They walked on like this in silence until they reached the Duke household. John squeezed Hero’s hand before dropping it quickly. “I’ll see you on Monday in English,” he said quietly. 

“Bye, John,” Hero said just as quietly before letting herself in to her house.

Leo looked up from the couch and smiled at his sister. “And where have you been all night? I was about to send out a search party. Don’t want you dying again.”

Hero smiled softly and shook her head. “That would be ridiculous. I was just at the street fair with some friends.”

“Alright. Text me next time, though,” Leo chided Hero good-naturedly. 

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly. “I did tell Beatrice.”

“Oh. She’s not here.” Leo shrugged. “Went out with someone. Actually, I think they went to the street fair, too.”

Hero raised an eyebrow and the door opened. She turned to see Beatrice open the door and come inside. “Hi, Bea!” she said brightly. “How was the street fair?”

“Good,” Beatrice said quickly. “Come upstairs with me. I have something to show you.”

“Can I see?” Leo asked.

“No. Girl stuff.” Beatrice grabbed Hero’s hand, pulling her up the stairs. “Sorry, Leo. Next time.”

“Sure, sure,” he said, not really minding.

Beatrice pulled Hero into her room and shut the door. “You held his hand,” she accused Hero.

“You were spying on me,” Hero said sadly.

“I had to. Nobody trusts John, except you. Remember last time you were the only person to trust somebody?”

“Do you mean Claudio?” Hero asked, confused.

“No, no. Peter and Ben trusted Claudio, too. No, meant back in third year, when you trusted the girl, with the braids? Do you remember?” Beatrice pressed.

Hero thought for a while before nodding slowly. “Yes.”

“It was bad, yeah?” Beatrice continued. “You really need to think through things more, Hero.”

“It’s fine.” Hero sighed. “It’s fine. I promise.”

“Okay. Well…” Beatrice shrugged. “If he breaks your heart, I’ll break his arm. Fair?”

Hero’s eyes widened but she nodded. “Fair.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im still so sick ahaha but here i am, updating for y'all. I hope you enjoyed!


	6. You Think That I'm an Idiot, That I Act Like a Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old habits die hard.

John picked up his phone and frowned at the name on the caller ID. He pressed ‘answer’ and put the phone to his ear. “Peter? Is everything okay?”

“What’s this I hear about you and Hero?” Peter’s voice came through the phone with an accusing tone.

“Where did you hear that?” John asked in surprise. “And what do you mean?”

“Beatrice told me you and Hero went on a date last week? And held hands?” Peter asked. It was said like a question, but John knew a statement when he heard one.

“Oh. Yeah. I guess. We never clarified that it was a date, but we did go out, together. Yeah.” John smiled in spite of himself. “Why?”

“John. This is Hero Duke we’re talking about.”

“Yes?”

“You made that poor girl’s life miserable last year, and now you’re dating?” Peter sounded so incredulous. 

John wanted to punch his face. Through the cellphone. “Nobody said we’re dating, Pete.”

“I don’t know. Bea sounded pretty certain when I talked to her yesterday.” 

“What’s wrong with me potentially dating Hero?” John asked suspiciously. “What actual reasons can you give me, besides the events of last year, that would make me see reason and not want to date Hero?”

“So you want to date Hero?” Peter’s voice held a certain note of exultation.

“Yes. Sure. What reasons?” 

Peter hesitated. “You’re so… sad. And she’s the happiest beam of sunshine in the whole world, John. She is… light. Would it ever work out?”

“If we wanted it to, I guess. And I’m not always sad, you know.” John shrugged before remembering he was on the phone and Peter couldn’t see. “Besides, I’m not the one with major relationship problems right now. Shouldn’t I be calling you to talk about your relationships?”

“What do you mean?” Peter asked, his voice rising in pitch. “I’m not in a relationship.”

“Let’s see. You’re kissing Jacquie and Costa constantly, because of the play, but come on. So much kissing. And then there’s the extreme tension between you and Balth that has only escalated recently. It’s so out of control. How are you handling that?”

“John…” Peter started to say, a note of warning in his voice.

“Oh, Peter,” John continued, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “All that combined tension between you and other people must be exhausting to deal with. Do you ever wish you could break the flat rules and have a relationship, so you could get rid of the tension? Who would you choose? Come on, Pedro. I know you already have your mind made up.” 

There was a long silence on the other line. 

John regretted his mocking tone immediately and tried desperately to think of ways to take it back. “Look, Pete—”

“I have to go.”

“I’m sorry—” John tried again.

“Be careful with Hero, John. If you hurt that angel, I swear to god, you will be killed. Don’t be killed.” 

John looked at his phone and sighed when he saw the call was ended. “Damn it!” he shouted, throwing it on his bed. “Why couldn’t I have just kept my mouth shut?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love peter, like a lot... so i wanted him to make an appearance.   
> ALSO I'M STILL SCREAMING ABOUT 'STAY' I MEAN WHAT AH NO PEDRAZAR IS KILLING ME  
> ps look for balthazar in the next update ;)


	7. I Miss My Crew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero catches up with a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this over a week ago and now it fits with what's happening in lolilo.... i'm psychic.  
> also i'm dying.  
> WHAT IS HAPPENING IN LOLILO  
> I hope you like this chapter.

Hero was scrolling through Pinterest, looking at clothes, when she got a Skype call out of the blue. “Oh!” she said in surprise before smiling and answering it. “Balthazar! How are you?”

Balth smiled and shrugged. “I’ve been better, but I’ve been worse. How are you?”

“I’m great, actually. Well, I mean, sort of great. Some not so great things have happened, but other than that I’m great, yeah.” Hero laughed nervously.

Balthazar looked surprised but nodded slowly. “Okay… So what’s been great?”

“Oh, you know. Making new friends.” She shrugged as nonchalantly as she could manage.

His lips quirked in a half-smile. “I’ve heard a little of the sort, yeah. How’s John?”

Hero sighed. “Did Beatrice tell you?”

“Ben.” Balthazar let out a small laugh. “I think it’s nice. John really needs a friend. You two are a match I would never have thought of, but it works.”

“Thanks, Balthazar.” Hero smiled softly. “Really. You’re the first person to really support me on my decision to be friends with John.”

“Friends. Yes.” That small smile was out again. 

“So what’s been going on with you?”

Balthazar’s smile dropped completely and he looked away, avoiding eye contact. “I’ve just been going to class, you know. Uni. That kind of thing.”

“Balthazar,” Hero pressed. “What’s happening?”

He looked at the camera and shook his head. “I don’t really want to talk about what’s happening. It all sucks right now, and… I’m sure you’ll see it on YouTube, anyway. Can we just talk about… I don’t know. The old days? Music? Our mutual friends? You could even tell me about how much you like John Donaldson, of all people. I don’t care.”

Hero frowned. “Yeah, we can just talk. Do you promise you’ll tell me what’s going on soon?”

He shrugged and shook his head. “I just… I miss you. I feel isolated here sometimes. I mean, my flatmates are great, but I just… I don’t have anyone here who understands me.” He put his chin in his hands and looked pensive for a while. “Hero?”

“Balthazar?”

“Do you like John?”

Hero smiled slightly and shrugged. “You can’t trust Ben.”

“That’s why I’m asking you.” Balthazar forced the smile back onto his face and looked at the camera, his eyes starting to laugh again. “Come on. People don’t tell me their secrets anymore. I feel so out of the loop.” 

“Um… you can’t tell Ben. Or Peter. Or Freddie.” 

“So, yes.” Balthazar’s laughing eyes crinkled at the corners.

“I’m glad I could cheer you up,” Hero said dryly.

“Thanks,” he nodded. “I won’t forget this.”

They laughed together and Hero, feeling as if she was about to burst, began to tell him all about the wonderful person who was John Donaldson.

Balthazar sighed suddenly at one point and Hero stopped. “Balthy? You okay?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, sorry, Hero. It’s just…” He struggled over the next words. “It’s nice to hear your voice again, you know?”

“Yeah. It’s nice to hear yours, too.”

Balthazar smiled tightly. “Sometimes when I’m especially lonely, like right now, I go and watch yours and Bea’s old videos. Some of them, anyway. Usually just the ones with only you two. It’s pleasant. So nice to see your faces again, and hear your voices. And sometimes, for a laugh,” he continued, smiling more genuinely now, “I pull up the videos I took of me teaching you the ukulele.”

“You look that up when you need a laugh?” Hero asked indignantly. She couldn’t help herself and laughed at the thought after a moment. “Balth. Come back. Come visit me.”

“You could always come here…” he suggested, trailing off hopefully.

She stared into his light blue eyes, so sad, so tired… “I wish I could,” she said with regret lacing her words. “I really wish I could. But I can’t… at least, not until school’s out. You know how it is. The mums would never allow it.”

“I wouldn’t want to ever anger your mums. My heroes.” Balthazar laughed. “My OG Heroes, capital H. Hero’s mums, OG. The original heroes. I need to stop talking.”

“That was horrible,” Hero said, laughing in spite of herself. 

“My specialty,” he said. He dropped his eyes to his nervous hands and shrugged.

“Balthazar,” Hero chided him. “Come on.”

He simply shrugged again. “I should go. Ben is shouting for me. We have a flat meeting. I’m really sorry, Hero.”

“No, go. I know how important the meetings are. Hey, maybe I’ll be in one of Meg’s videos soon. You’ll see me again. Actually, we should Skype again soon. Okay, love?” Hero smiled tenderly. “I love you.”

“I miss you.” Balthazar smiled sadly and ended the call.

Hero’s eyes filled with tears as she stared at his icon. “Oh, Balthazar, are you okay?” she whispered before turning off her computer for the night.


	8. Believe Me When I Say I Never Thought I'd Feel This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero asks John out.

Hero picked up her phone nervously and held it to her face, listening to the ringing in anticipation. 

“Hello?” she heard the deep voice she was coming to love so much on the other side.

“Hi! This is Hero!” she said breathlessly.

She could hear John’s smirk through the line. “I know. Caller id. What’s going on?”

“Uh, sorry, I was just wondering, well…” Hero closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Are you busy tonight?” There was a pause and she starting rambling. “I mean, if you’re not, that’s totally okay. It’s just, Balthazar’s friend Declan has a gig tonight at the coffee shop and I thought I’d support him, because he’s just starting out and Balthazar put it on Facebook, and I didn’t really want to go alone—”

“Hero,” John started to say.

“And honestly, I don’t even know why I asked. I know you’re probably really busy. I’ll just get Leo to go, I guess,” Hero finished awkwardly. “Sorry for bothering you. Enjoy your evening! We’ll get together some other time.”

“Will we?” John laughed down the line. “Hero. I never said I wouldn’t go.”

“Oh!” Hero paused and thought back. “You didn’t.”

“I would love to go.”

“Oh.” Hero smiled. “Awesome.”

“Do you mind if Peter comes?” he continued. “Because he’s in town for the weekend and I really have missed him… We fought last time we talked, so I’m trying to spend a lot of good, happy time with him before he goes off to uni again to brave the flatmates.”

“Peter’s here?” Hero asked, mystified. “Yes, of course he can come! I would love to see him again.”

“What time should I be there to pick you up?” John asked. 

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” Hero protested.

“Nonsense. What time?”

She grinned in spite of herself. “It starts at seven, so… six forty? That way, we can walk over and be seated ten minutes before.”

“We’ll be there,” John promised, hanging up. 

Hero grinned and walked out of her room. “Beatrice?” she asked, knocking on the closed door.

Bea opened the door and smiled. “Hero! My darling. What can I do for you?”

“So, I know you don’t really approve, but I asked John to come to Declan’s gig with me tonight.” Hero held up her hand as Bea opened her mouth. “We will be chaperoned, since Peter is apparently in town and spending time with his brother. So you don’t have to worry about us.”

Beatrice’s eyes widened. “Peter’s in town?”

“Yes! I’m not sure why, but…” Hero stopped and smiled, pulling out her phone. “Actually… would you like to come?”

Beatrice simply nodded silently. 

Hero nodded back and texted John. 

She got a response within a few seconds and smiled. “You can come! John and Peter are fine with it. In fact, I will bet anything Peter’s very excited to see you.”

Bea’s smile grew and she clapped her hands excitedly. “I can’t wait to see him! What time are we leaving?”

“Six forty. Don’t be late!” Hero admonished her before disappearing into her room to get ready.

At six thirty-five, Beatrice was ready and waiting to leave. Hero came down the stairs and smiled. “Are you excited?”

Beatrice nodded enthusiastically. “Although, I feel weird that Peter and I are essentially double-dating with you and John. Brings back high school memories. Oh, well. It will be so fun!”

Hero frowned. “I don’t know that this is a date.”

Bea gave her an exasperated look. “Hero. Come on. This is obviously a date. You like John, he likes you, you asked him to a social gathering, he’s coming to pick you up. He’ll pay for your coffee. You’ll hold hands. It’s a date.”

Hero blushed and shook her head. “He doesn’t like me.”

“Aha!” Beatrice exclaimed. “So you do like John!”

Hero opened her mouth and then shut it again, momentarily flabbergasted. “I… I guess?”

“How long?” Bea demanded, dragging Hero to the couch and sitting her down. “This is incredible. I can’t wait to tell… Ben.” She made a face. “I mean, once we’ve made up.”

Hero shrugged. “You don’t have to tell anyone. It can stay a secret.”

“No, Hero, come on. I mean, you two are going to get together eventually and then everything will be great, right?” Beatrice grinned. 

“So… you’re okay with me dating John, theoretically?” Hero asked in surprise. “I thought you hated him. You made it kind of obvious.”

Bea shrugged. “Whatever. Date John. Just be smart, okay? I know you will be. You’re an angel and a smart angel at that, so, I’m sure you’ll be okay.”

Hero smiled and ducked her head, embarrassed. “Well… okay.”

“So?” Bea pressed. “How long have you actually liked him?”

“Not long,” Hero responded, avoiding Bea’s gaze. “I didn’t actually realize I liked him until I was talking with Balthazar. I never thought I would like him—” A knock on the door caused her to pause and look up. Her face flushed immediately and she began smoothing her hair and clothes nervously.

Bea rolled her eyes and stood to answer the door. “Peter!” she exclaimed, lunging forward to hug the older Donaldson brother. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!”

Peter laughed and hugged her back. “Hello, Beatrice. I’m glad you’re coming tonight.”

She pulled back and turned to John. “Hi, John,” she said, obviously trying very hard to act natural. “How are you?”

“Good,” John responded. He nodded to emphasize this and then fell silent.

Bea turned and mouthed, “Okay,” to Hero before stepping out the door. Hero stood and followed her out. “So, we should get going, yeah?” Bea asked. “I’m excited to hear Declan. I remember Balth mentioning him last year.”

“Yeah, let’s go!” Peter exclaimed. 

They all took off and Hero found herself next to John. She smiled up at him and, impulsively, reached over and took his hand. Glancing up towards Bea and Peter to make sure they weren’t listening, she turned to John. “Thank you so much for coming.”

He was studying their hands linked together, but looked at her face and smiled when she spoke to him. “I’m glad I could come. This should be fun. I used to go to Balthazar’s gigs all the time, so if Declan is half as good as Balth, this should be a fun show.” He motioned up to the other two. “What do you think they’re talking about?”

Hero thought about that for a moment. “Honestly, either you and me or Balthazar, I would say. Or else Beatrice is complaining about Ben. One of the three.”

John laughed softly. “I think Peter’s talked enough about Balthazar for one day. He’s all I heard about today.”

“I don’t know. Bea never tires of discussing Benedick, so you never know.” Hero laughed along with John and they continued walking in silence, hands still together.

When they reached the coffee shop, Bea turned to talk to them. She eyed their hands, but Hero and John didn’t let go. “Okay, I guess we should find an empty table,” she said, too loudly. “What do you think, Peter?”

Peter raised his eyebrows at her tone but turned to look at Hero and John. “All right. We should do that,” he said, equally loudly.

Hero rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Come on. We’re going to be late.” She pushed through the other three and entered the coffee shop. She spotted and empty table and sat at it. John sat next to her and Peter and Beatrice sat across from them.

“So, Hero,” Peter said, “how have you been? I haven’t seen you in months.”

Hero smiled. “I’ve been good. Really good recently, actually.”

Peter’s eyes flicked to John and he smiled slightly. “So I have heard. So I have.”

John took Hero’s hand again from under the table. 

She turned to look at him and he gave her a reassuring smile. She smiled back and felt the rest of the world drop away. ‘Is this what falling in love feels like?’ she asked herself. ‘Because I think I just fell.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love peter. i had to bring him home. i wrote this last week, too, but i figured it makes sense for peter to be running away from the flat right now haha.   
> (i laugh but i'm dead inside)


	9. We Can Take Our Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meg has things to say. She is Meg, after all.

“What, dearest Hero, have you written in your diary about your date with John Donaldson?”

Hero laughed and shook her head, trying to avoid the question. “Oh, dear Margaret, I don’t have a diary.”

“Hero. Come on. Tell me what is going through that lovely head of yours! And then, I can casually mention something about you and… John… on my video, and I will get more views and comments than Ben. The public is surprisingly interested in John, actually.” Meg made an odd face. “I really don’t understand why.”

Hero smiled. “I guess because he’s more dynamic than… the rest of us?” she suggested.

Meg widened her eyes in mock shock. “Hero Duke! You take that back! We’re all very dynamic! And, besides, you’re just saying that because you’re dating him. Yeah?”

“I don’t know…” Hero said slowly. “This is not going on your videos! Meg, promise me. I won’t discuss the subject at all unless you promise.”

She sighed. “All right. I guess I should turn off the camera, then. Hmm?”

Hero’s head whipped around as she searched the room, her eyes lighting on the camera easily. Too easily. “Why didn’t I see that before?” she mused. 

“You are way too used to cameras. I blame Beatrice.” Meg stood up and turned off the camera. “So… you have to spill now.”

“Okay.” Hero smoothed out her skirt and smiled. “We’re not dating.”

“What?” Meg asked, genuinely surprised. “Are you sure?”

“What? Yes, I’m sure. I think I would know.”

“You’d be surprised. I’ve had many a relationship where I didn’t know what our actual status was, you know.” Meg flipped her hair over her head. “But, I am as I am. You are Hero Duke, the most perfect human in the world.” 

Hero shook her head.

“At least Auckland. You have to admit, you are probably the most amazing person in Auckland,” Meg argued.

“Really, though, Meg. Stop.” Hero couldn’t handle that pressure.

Meg sighed. “All right. So if you and Mr. Donaldson-the-younger have gone out a couple of times, and held hands, and you obviously have strong feelings for him—possibly stronger than you had for Claudio?—you should probably know where your relationship with him stands.”

“We’re…taking it slowly.” Hero smiled slightly. “I mean… pretty much everyone obviously has a problem with us seeing each other, and there’s no point in denying it. I’ve seen it, and he has. Besides, we’re in high school and who knows what will happen next year. So… if we… our… yes, if, um…”

“Words, Hero. Words.” Meg smiled affectionately at her younger friend. “You can do this.”

“If, well, if we, um, last… if our thing for each other lasts, then we’ll see what happens,” Hero said quickly, avoiding eye contact. 

Meg clapped suddenly, startling Hero. “Oh! I think you two are perfect for each other!”

“What?” Hero asked in surprise. “Really?”

“Yes! I’ve thought so before, too. It’s just, John is so dark, but I just… I used to sit here and think, ‘Who could possibly be good enough for our angel, Hero?’, and I realized that we had to counterbalance your light with darkness. I mean, obviously, not darkness like… death and dismemberment, you know, but darkness as in… John Donaldson.” Meg beamed. “I’m glad I was right.”

“Right…” Hero got out, confused. “So… you think John and I should date.”

“Well, mostly, yes.” Meg grinned. “But if you two are taking it slowly, then please, do what you think is right for you. Who am I to tell you otherwise?”

“You’re… Meg Winter. It’s kind of your thing.” Hero laughed at the look on Meg’s face.

“Hero! You’re… being… sassy!” Meg laughed, throwing back her head (and shaking out her hair in the process, a very Meg characteristic). “I love it! Don’t ever stop!”

They continued talking for a while, before Hero checked her phone. She smiled slightly and put her phone back down.

“Hero?” Meg pressed her. “Anything interesting? Anything I should know about? Come on, gossip with me.”

Hero laughed. “It’s John.”

“Duh. What does he want?”

“Um… He wants to get coffee with me.” Hero smiled and showed Meg the text.

“Oh… and he’s paying.” Meg raised her eyebrows mischievously before starting to text back.

Hero jumped up and grabbed for her phone. “Meg, no, what are you—”

“And… sent.” Meg handed Hero’s phone back and cocked her head to the side. “Never say I never did anything for you.”

Hero frantically looked at her phone screen before letting out a small breath of relief. “This is not nearly as bad as I thought it would have been.”

Meg winked at her. “Oh, darling. I’m just trying to give him a little encouragement, not discourage the poor boy entirely. I feel like if I gave him the full Meg Winter experience, he’d drop you and run.”

Hero glanced up and frowned. “I don’t know that that’s accurate.”

“It would be… characteristic of him, though. Right?”

“No?” Hero said, frustrated by the insincerity in her voice.

“Should we…should we watch the videos he’s in from last year again?” Meg asked. “Do you remember when you ‘died’ and he ran away?”

“Meg. He’s changed.” 

“I know! I know he says he has, and I know that you believe him, and I believe that he believes it, too.” Meg nodded emphatically. “I just want you to be careful.”

“While encouraging him?” Hero tilted her head in a slightly aggressive manner. 

“Oh, now we’re arguing over this.” Meg sighed. “I didn’t intend… I don’t think you should trust any guys. But John seems like he has changed. Okay?”

Hero nodded slowly before putting her phone on the coffee table and trying to forget it. “Did you know Ben has been watching Doctor Who online without me?”

Meg’s lips twitched as she forced down a smile. “Subtle.”

Hero found herself mimicking Balthazar unconsciously, sad smile and all. “My specialty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kinda feel like this story is spiraling out of control from me and all but i'm still loving writing it (eowyn you better be happy you got me into this because i dont know how i feel exactly) so i hope you enjoy :)


	10. Don’t Tell Me That You’re Fine (I Know That Look In Your Eyes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some old wounds start to heal fully, and some unspoken conversations are finally spoken.

“Hero!” John called out.

Hero glanced up from her piles of homework and forced a smile onto her face. “Hi, John. How’s it going?”

John smiled and sat down across from her. “You look like you’re drowning.”

“I feel like it, too.” Hero sighed and looked back at her laptop.

“Need any help?” he asked after a moment.

“No, I don’t think so.” She smiled slightly at him and flipped a couple of pages in her book.

John waited a few minutes before reaching over and stilling her hand. “Hero.”

She pulled her eyes away from her paper and raised her eyebrows at him, waiting. “Yes?”

“Is everything okay? I’ve been texting you… I even called once… and I know you’ve responded, but it’s been lackluster. And you haven’t been in your regular spots during lunch, which either means you’re hiding, or—”

“I’m just swamped with work right now, John.” The lie came off her tongue easily as she forced another smile. “I’m really sorry I haven’t been there for you as much.”

“It’s not… I don’t need you to be there for me,” he said in surprise. “I just… missed you, I guess.”

Hero felt a twinge of guilt. And then a brick of guilt hitting her head. “I’m really sorry. I am.”

“No, you don’t need to apologize.” He stood up and started to back away. “I’ll leave you to your work. Sorry for distracting you.”

“John—” she said quietly, watching him walk away, tears finding their ways into her eyes. She shook her head to clear them and got back to her schoolwork. 

 

Hero bit her lip and stepped from one foot to the other, swaying back and forth nervously, before she raised her hand and knocked on the door.

Mrs. Donaldson opened the door. Her eyes widened in surprise. “Hero? Is that you? My goodness, you’ve grown up.”

Hero nodded. “Hi, Mrs. Donaldson. How are you?”

She smiled. “I’m doing as well as I can be, thank you. And yourself?”

“The same. As well as I can be.” Hero smiled and surreptitiously glanced inside. “Is John here, by any chance?”

“I believe I saw him go into his room earlier,” Mrs. Donaldson said, a crease across her forehead as she tried to remember. “Why don’t you come in? Make yourself comfortable. I’ll go see if he’s here.”

Hero thanked her and sat on the couch nervously. She laughed to herself as she remembered that John had been in this position just a few weeks back. Glancing around the room, she took in all the details, letting these people and their lives settle into their walls. 

“Hero?”

She stood and turned around quickly, clasping her hands in front of her. “John!” she said, too brightly.

“What’s… Hi.” John smiled in spite of himself. “Um, it’s good to see you.”

“Yes. You, too.” She glanced around the room again before tilting her head towards the door. “Could we…?”

He nodded and led the way outside. They sat down on the stoop and John turned to her. “So… what’s up?”

“So here’s the thing,” Hero said, nervously. “I don’t… like being dishonest. I don’t know if you noticed that about me.”

He merely laughed in response.

“Okay. Yes. I like telling the truth. And recently, I’ve… not wanted to do that.” Hero sighed. “I was at Meg’s and she asked me if you’d really changed. She implied that… you hadn’t, and said you might just up and leave again when it got tough. And I got… nervous.”

“Yes?” John asked, like he wasn’t surprised at all. 

Like he knew it was coming.

“I watched the playlist from last year,” Hero whispered, looking out at the trees, into the wind, anywhere but at John’s face. “I hadn’t really done that, ever, and I did it last week, and it just… it struck me that all that stuff that happened, well, it happened because of you and then you disappeared, and then, I had…doubts.” She glanced quickly at John before looking away again. “I know you said you’re different, and you certainly…seem…different, and yet I doubted you anyway, and I really want to apologize. I’m so, so sorry. But I just feel uncomfortable, and I’m not sure how to change that.”

John was quiet for a couple of minutes after that. 

Hero kept her eyes trained in front of her, not at John, never at John.

Finally, he sighed and put his arm around her, slowly, carefully. “Hero. You have nothing to apologize for. I have everything, everything, everything to apologize for. I know you went through a lot last year.”

“Yes, and it’s not all your fault,” Hero interjected. “Claudio and Pedro—”

“Stop. This is my turn to make a speech.” John chuckled slightly. “I know it’s weird that… that I’m not that same person, but I think being kidnapped and coerced into a confession by two ninth years changes a person more than you can imagine.”

Hero laughed in surprise and spontaneously laid her head down on John’s shoulder. “I can imagine that would change people.”

“But… if you don’t trust me…” John started, wincing inwardly. “If you think I’m going to run when it gets tough… What does that mean?”

“I guess, well, when the relationship gets hard, as relationships are prone to do,” Hero said softly.

“Are we in a relationship?” John asked without thinking.

Hero stiffened and lifted her head to look at him. “Are we?”

John shrugged. “I guess I was waiting for you to decide it would be okay.”

Hero paused. “I was waiting for you to ask.”

“Beatrice would be so mad. She would think it was against her feminist ideals.” John smiled fondly in spite of himself. “I really do like her.”

“I do, too.” Hero smiled. “But…”

“Hero Duke,” John said, clearing his throat. He stood up before getting down on one knee, with a dramatic flourish. “Would you care to be my girlfriend?” He held out his hand to help her up.

Hero blinked in surprise before taking his hand willingly. She stood, and in turn, lifted John up as well. “Are you going to leave when it gets rough?”

John shrugged. “Are you going to make me do a ‘Boyfriend Does My Makeup’ video?”

“Oh, god, no,” Hero exclaimed. “No, you’re quite safe from that one. You may have to be in a video with Meg, though. She’ll want to video us as a couple, for the whole world to see.”

John frowned. “I guess I can do that.”

“Okay.” Hero smiled.

“Okay?” John asked, his eyes lighting up slightly.

“Okay.” She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. 

John was surprised but hugged her back quickly. 

They stood like that for a while until they heard the door open. Mrs. Donaldson startled them by asking, “Do you two want any cookies?”

John reluctantly released Hero and stared at his mum in surprise. “Do we have cookies?”

“From the store.” Mrs. Donaldson winked. “I know it’s nothing compared to what homemade cookies are like…”

“Cookies would be lovely! Thank you, Mrs. Donaldson.” Hero smiled and, glancing up at John, took his hand and pulled him towards the house. “Come on. Let’s get some refreshments.”

John let her lead him into the house but was stopped by his mum. 

“When were you going to mention this?” she asked, her eyes twinkling in delight.

He shrugged and smiled, letting Hero pull him along before his mum could get too involved in his love life. He loved her, sure, but really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sufficiently undramatic, i think... i don't think john and hero would have a huge, dramatic, end-all-be-all moment that would end in a searing kiss where everything would be good and wonderful, and they would be together forever. no. i dont think thats how it would happen at all.  
> but  
> what do you think would happen in story if this were to (miraculously) happen?


	11. I Used To Think Cupid Was Really Fuckin' Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settling into a relationship.

John was sitting on Hero’s couch. They were supposed to be watching a movie together, but Hero was in the kitchen, getting them snacks. Knowing Hero, John assumed that the snacks would consist of homemade cookies and the like. 

It was very different from how he grew up. He wasn’t actually sure how he felt about all the homemade, all the crafts, all the ‘little fifties housewife’ things he had always been mildly scornful of as a child. It was actually why he wasn’t too upset about affecting Hero in the beginning of his plot from the past year. She was just too… nice. Too perfect. It was too weird.

And now, here he was, waiting comfortably for her come sit with him and watch a movie together. So domestic.

John jumped as Hero’s phone started buzzing off the coffee table. He picked it up so as stop it sliding off and got a mischievous smile after seeing the caller id. “Hello?” he asked into the phone.

“Hero?” came Benedick’s genuinely confused voice.

“This is she.” John laughed to himself and tried to channel Hero. “Hi, Ben! It’s so lovely to hear your voice! How are you? Do you want to talk about Doctor Who?”

Ben was quiet for a second. “John, where’s Hero?”

“She’s in the kitchen. Do you want to talk to her?”

“Please.”

John frowned at the worry in Ben’s voice. “Give me a moment.” He stood and walked into the kitchen.

Hero glanced up at him and put her hands on her hips in frustration. “Now, see, you’ve ruined the surprise.”

John looked around the kitchen and, seeing nothing horribly significant, held out Hero’s phone. “Ben. He sounds rather insistent.”

Hero got a worried look on her face and took the phone, sitting on one of the stools and clutching the phone to her face. “Ben? What’s going on?”

John watched her face go from mildly worried to extremely sympathetic. He went to sit next to her on a stool and watched her listen.

“Oh, Ben.” She sounded so kind, so comforting. “Can I help in any way?” Pause. “I know, I know. I won’t. I promise.” Pause. “What do you want me to tell…?” 

John smiled. She was so considerate. 

“Okay.” Hero was nodding emphatically, forgetting she was on the phone and Ben couldn’t see her. “Okay. Just remember to, uh…” She took a glance at John before speaking quieter into the phone. “Remember to breathe, and that it’s always okay to reach out. Okay? This will pass. You’ll be fine.” Pause. “I know. I love you. Hang in there.” She put an end to the call and sat on the stool in silence for a moment.

“Everything okay?” John asked.

Hero stood and faced him, shifting her weight as she thought of the right words to say. “I don’t know if you know, but Ben suffers with anxiety… it’s pretty bad. I told him last year, when I found him once having an attack, that he can talk to me anytime he’s struggling. I just… It’s kind of draining for me to deal with, but he was so… It hurts for him to breathe.” She put her hands over her face for a moment. “I can’t imagine not being able to breathe. I just can’t imagine. Can you?”

John stared at her fondly, a golden beacon in his dark world. She had no idea. “Yes.”

Hero’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open slightly. “Really?”

He nodded. “But I don’t really want to talk about it right now. Is that okay?”

“Of course.” Hero nodded and smiled. “Whatever you want.”

“I want… to watch the movie and sit with my girlfriend.” He almost choked on the words, but then… they weren’t horrible to say. In fact… they weren’t even bad.

And if John had any lingering doubts about calling Hero his girlfriend, watching her face light up changed his mind about that forever.

She smiled and took his hands. “John?”

“Hero.” He smiled at her and stood up, standing directly across from her. 

Her smile widened and she closed the distance between them, just a little bit. 

John’s stomach flipped and he thought he was getting sick. Then, he remembered that this was normal, this was what falling for somebody felt like, this was described in all the romantic comedies as a good thing… He swallowed hard and realized that he was about to kiss Hero Duke. And it was going to be a hell of a good thing.

It almost worked, too.

But Beatrice came into the kitchen at that moment, and one look at her horrified face stopped John altogether. “Oh, my god! Are you two… what’s happening?” she exclaimed, rather too dramatically. “What is going on in here?”

Hero laughed and stepped back from John. “What are you doing here?”

“I had to get something… I regret everything now. Everything!” Beatrice threw up her hands and walked—no, flounced out of the room.

John rolled his eyes and took Hero’s hand. “Shall we watch the movie now?” He grabbed a tray of cookies and led her out to the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE SO MANY HEADCANONS and they get integrated into my writing lol sorry


	12. The Sky As Grey As Your Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John opens up a little more.  
> tw depression :(

“Hey.” Hero stopped at the doorway to her house and smiled at her boyfriend, sitting on the front steps. “What are you doing here?”

John glanced up and smiled at her. “Hero. Hi.”

“Hi.” She sat next to him, placing her bag carefully on the ground before turning to him. “How are you?”

He shrugged, staring out into the distance. “You know.”

“I don’t. That’s why I asked.” Hero’s smile faded slightly. “Really, John. What’s going on?”

John shrugged again, quickly, like he had practiced. Like all he ever did was shrug.

Hero frowned and nudged his shoulder with her own. “John? Are you doing okay?”

“I caught up on the flat videos.” John’s voice was level, quiet. 

“Oh.” Hero blinked in surprise. “Yes, they’ve been rather interesting recently, wouldn’t you say?” When she didn’t get an answer for a while, she sighed. “John. Is the flat dynamic really bothering you that much?”

“No, I guess not.” He was quiet for a bit. “I’m just having a down day, I guess. I’m sorry.” He stood as if to leave.

Hero jumped up and grabbed his arm. “Wait, no, where are you going?”

“I should probably get home,” John said, staring at her hand on his jacket. “I’m sure you’re busy, what with school and… stuff like that…” 

She sighed. “I need help with my physics…”

John cracked a smile. “You know, most girls say they need help with their chemistry.”

“Oh, my god.”

“In fact, if I didn’t know any better, I would say you were definitely trying to discourage me from coming inside.” John’s eyes lifted and he met her own.

Hero was relieved to see some humor in his eyes. “Come on. Please.” She tugged on his jacket a little. 

John leaned down and picked up her bag before following her into the house. “Okay, but let me warn you: I have no idea what is happening in the physics homework. I will keep you company, though.”

“Good.” Hero smiled and led him inside.

 

“And, oh, you should have seen Ben’s face! Meg made sure the Skype camera was trained on his face the whole time, and he just looked so disgusted! I guess he really wants to teach Peter how to accurately speak Latin, but so far, he hasn’t been successful.” Hero laughed again before sighing and shaking her head. “Have you talked to Peter recently?”

John shook his head. “No.”

Hero bit her lip and leaned over, resting her hand on top of his. “John.” Her tone was pleading enough to cause her boyfriend to really look at her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He hesitated before rushing into a speech of sorts. “Sometimes I really feel like there isn’t enough space in the world to separate me from the other humans, and I just can’t get enough room. It’s like everybody is staring at me, spinning around here in my hamster wheel, and I just feel so trapped in this pointless, spinning world. There isn’t an escape. There isn’t a point. And I have you, and I know there is a point, but I just can’t find it, and I’ve been struggling, trying so hard to find a point today, and I came here to see you, and I haven’t been any fun or anything. And I just feel awful.”

“John…” Hero started.

“No, I just… I probably shouldn’t have said anything. Sorry.” John stopped and studied the table.

“No, I’m glad you said something.” Hero nodded when he looked at her questioningly. “I wanted to know. Honestly.” She hesitated. “What does that… what does it feel like? Physically, emotionally?”

“Oh. Are you sure?”

“I want to know.” Hero was certain of this.

John paused, searching for the right words. “There’s a sort of… a sort of crushing feeling on my chest, in my stomach.” He closed his eyes and swallowed, hard. “I can’t ever get everything down my throat. Something’s always stuck there. My limbs feel heavy. I can’t really move them. And… and… like Ben… I can’t really breathe sometimes. When it’s at the worst.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” John sighed. “In my head, logically, I know that everything is fine. I have a decent life. I mean… my… my girlfriend is stunning and amazing. No, you are, you really are. And I have a couple of friends. That’s really all I need, is a couple of friends. And Mum and I have been talking more recently, so that’s been nice. And school is fine. Life is generally good. But it feels so pointless, and my life feels so void, and I feel so… so… empty. I feel like I just have nothing inside me, and nothing will ever be okay again, and like even though I have people who I love, and people who love me, and there’s nature all around, and technology on top of that, and this world is a good world full of good things, just… the bad outweigh the good significantly, and I can’t handle that. In my head, I can, but my heart… I’m sad to say, my heart overrules my head.”

Hero was quiet for a long time, listening to the quick rise and fall of John’s breathing. She kept her hand linked with his, letting him clutch her fingers and just breathe for a while.

“I would understand if you were sick of me. I know I’m not always the happiest, and my mind can be cruel.” John was staring at a picture of Leo and Hero from when they were much younger, and if she wasn’t mistaken, there were tears in his eyes.

“I couldn’t be sick of you,” Hero whispered, staring at his face as earnestly as she could manage.

“I would be sick of me if I were you.” He lifted his other hand and wiped away a stray tear angrily. “It would be so easy to hate me. So easy.”

Hero’s mouth opened, then closed in surprise. “John. No.” She placed her hand on his face and drew his mouth down to hers. 

John wasn’t surprised that she kissed him in that moment. Hero Duke had a heart of gold and more empathy than he knew was possible for a person to have. He didn’t care if she was only kissing him because she felt sorry for him, though. It was like… like kissing a cloud. He let a couple of tears fall unchecked, caught up in his girlfriend.

When Hero pulled away, she searched his face desperately. “Are you going to be okay?”

He nodded, slightly choked up. “Always, dear.”

Hero let out a laugh in surprise. “Dear?”

“What’s wrong with dear?” He managed a smile. “You don’t like it?”

“It’s not very you,” Hero pointed out.

“It’s very you, though.” John’s smile grew slightly and he let out a soft laugh. “What would you prefer? My ethereal cloud? My golden-haired princess?”

“Stop, stop.” Hero was attempting to laugh at this point. Her heart was a little too broken, though. “It’s all terrible.”

John chuckled. “I think they’re all lovely. Just like you.” He smoothed back her hair. 

Hero turned red slightly and shook her head. “You’re lovely.”

“I don’t think most guys want to be called that,” he responded wryly.

“I mean it, though,” Hero argued. “You’re lovely. You have… you have a lovely soul. It may be sad sometimes, and you may not know what your point in this world is, but… you are a lovely person, John Donaldson.”

He drew her forward to kiss her forehead. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“You’re welcome,” she whispered back.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before John suddenly sat up straighter. “So. Do you think Freddie will get any less awkward about you anytime soon?”

“Oh, no,” Hero laughed. “Probably not. Unless we actually meet in person. Which I don’t really see happening any time soon, considering the flat rules and sleeping in a tent and everything.”

“Maybe… just maybe… you and someone who really wants to go visit his stupid brother will road trip to Wellington at some point. Just maybe.” John smiled.

“Maybe. Just maybe. I just don’t see it happening, though. Sorry. I know you miss Peter.” Hero sat up straighter suddenly. “We should do our homework.”

“No!” John protested. “It’s horrible. It makes me have existential crises. Please?”

Hero hesitated. “We could not do it, I guess, if it’s really that bad—”

“Hero.” John stopped her with a genuine smile. “I was joking. You need to learn to say no to people. Okay? Promise me.”

“I promise.” She smiled and opened the physics book again. “Here we go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DID YOU GUYS SEE THE NEWEST LOLILO (wednesday's episode) BECAUSE I WROTE THIS THREE DAYS AGO AND THEN THAT EPISODE HAPPENED.  
> IM A WIZARD.  
> THEY MUST ALL GO TO WELLINGTON.


	13. ....For Me.... for Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A study in texting. Told only in texts sent from John to Hero, and vice versa.

11/1/2015: 10:15p

Hero: I miss you.

John: you should have come with me. lots of interesting things are happening here. I got knighted, for instance.

Hero: Yes, yes, I know. Beatrice told me. And I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t.

Hero: You understand, right?

John: of course I do.

Hero: John?

John: Hero.

Hero: Take care of yourself. Don’t let them push you around.

John: ??? what does this mean

Hero: I mean, I love Benedick, I do, but he can be really pushy, and so can Margaret, and we all know how Beatrice can get… I guess just don’t let them tell you what to do. 

John: I enjoy it. They’re all rather crazy but not horrible people

Hero: I know! I know. They’re lovely people, actually.

John: not as lovely as some

John: I feel the need to make you understand

John: how truly lovely you are

John: inside and out

Hero: Was that poetry?

John: Poetry? Me? Never.

\---  
11/2/2015 08:45a

John: kit is the best human in the world

Hero: Good morning to you, too! Is he?

John: I don’t know that ive ever laughed so hard in my life. 

Hero: I wish I could meet him.

John: idea: you come visit and meet him

John: also come see me

John: because while I agreed to no shenanigans, I think we can agree that isn’t such a problem for us. However, I do love talking to you and everything, and I think you should come so we could talk face to face

Hero: John…

John: just throwing ideas around. 

Hero: I wish I could. You know that.

John: I know.

\---  
11/2/2015 04:56p

Hero: I just watched the most recent video.

John: yes?

Hero: That was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. You really seem to come alive when Ben’s there, though.

Hero: Also, have you always been this good at rhyming? I could have used those skills a couple of months ago.

John: if you’ll recall, a couple of months ago we were in the beginning stages of real friendship

Hero: Yes, I remember. 

Hero: But still.

John: Still.

Hero: I’m glad you’re enjoying the flat, though. 

John: wait until you see the video we just filmed for tomorrow.

Hero: …Can I have a hint?

John: I’m afraid that could leak out, so even for my girlfriend, no, I’m not allowed to say anything

Hero: Alright. I will watch the video as soon as it comes out, though.

Hero: Oh! And I’m glad you and Peter are having such good times together. 

John: good times?

Hero: You’re getting along so well.

Hero: I’m very, very glad.  

John: me too! 

\---

11/3/2015 11:34a

Hero: JOHN DONALDSON

John: HERO DUKE

Hero: That video was… I don’t know how to describe it.

John: “the video was endearing and showed off the donaldson family’s BUBBLY personalities”

Hero: Oh, my god.

John: you like?

Hero: That was truly awful. 

Hero: I do, however, indeed, like.

John: Good! 

John: Enjoy school ;) 

Hero: Oh, I will. Verges is sitting here, discussing some sort of Satanic ritual that she’s to avoid, especially since it’s Halloween time, or directly after, and I’m not sure what to say. It’s very amusing but I’m sure if I laugh, I’ll get in trouble from her or something.

Hero: I love her.

John: I’m glad.

\---

Hero: [draft, deleted] I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of doing this for a couple of chapters more, but adding more characters in. do you like?  
> also, sorry for the wait. senior year of college and stuff. it's a good life, you know? lol


	14. Communication Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The flatmates are busy texting all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun with this chapter......  
> sorry for no meg and kit (yet?)  
> enjoy!

11/3/2015 11:58p

Beatrice: call me call me call me I need someone to talk to!!!

Hero: Okay, but give me a couple of minutes. Okay?

Beatrice: ugh okay I will wait

 

11/4/2015 12:37a

Beatrice: hey

John: Hello?

Beatrice: It’s Bea. Beatrice Duke.

John: I know. Hero gave me your number ‘in case of emergencies’

John: Is this an emergency?

Beatrice: can you come outside and talk to me?

Beatrice: please

John: It’s after curfew…

Beatrice: god, not you too. Why are all the men so scared of breaking the flat rules?

John: If you aren’t scared, why don’t you come in here? I guess I would let you in.

Beatrice: fine. Be there in a couple of minutes

 

11/4/2015 01:28a

John: Are you awake?

Hero: Yes… just barely. 

John: Can we talk?

Hero: It’ll have to be over text… family’s asleep. What’s going on?

John: I just had a chat with Beatrice.

Hero: Really?

John: and you know what she said?

Hero: No…

Hero: oh

Hero: oh god did she

John: Yeah.

John: Hero? 

John: Did you fall asleep?

Hero: Sorry, I had to think.

John: It’s okay.

Hero: I don’t really know what to say, except Beatrice sucks sometimes. And I love her but, really, I don’t know why she had to say that.

John: I don’t really know what to say either. I don’t have experience with… um… feelings of any sort, I guess.

\---

Hero: you told john that I love him???????

Beatrice: yes?

Hero: oh my god

Hero: Beatrice!

Beatrice: crap

Beatrice: you hadn’t told him yet, had you?

Hero: NO

Hero: what did you even tell him? Besides, of course, ‘Hero is in love with you’?

Beatrice: just to watch his back… and be nice…  
Hero: god

\---

Beatrice: you told Hero what I told you??????

John: I don’t… I’m not… feelings are not a thing I am accustomed to and I did not know how to respond. 

John: Really, though, I would have assumed that if she told you she would be fine with me knowing. Is that not how it works?

Beatrice: oh my god

\---

Beatrice: I HATE THIS ALL

Ben: ????? Good early early morning to you, too, bea

Beatrice: talk to john, do damage control. This is a mess. And now hero’s mad at me again and I’m tired of making her mad and being the bad guy and not doing things right

Beatrice: why can’t I do anything right recently?

Ben: ….

Beatrice: I know this doesn’t make sense to you but it’s actually rather a big deal to me. And hero. And john.

Ben: do you want to talk?

Beatrice: on the phone? They’re all sleeping out here.

Ben: … come to my window. I’ll let you in.

Beatrice: but the GODDAMNED RULES

Ben: just come

\---

Hero: sorry for disappearing again.

John: It’s okay. 

Hero: I really wanted to tell you in person.

Hero: When the time was right.

John: It’s okay.

John: I’m sure we’ll see each other again and… if the time is right then… I mean…

John: we’ll see each other again.

Hero: We will!

John: Maybe you’ll come here and we’ll talk.

Hero: Not this again…

John: A joke. Sorry. I’m bad enough at them in person. Over text is much worse.

Hero: It’s okay. It’s really late, though…

John: Okay. Good night. We’ll talk later.

Hero: Good night <3

\---

Peter: did you hear the thump?

Balthazar: What are you doing up?

Peter: Studying. Did you hear the thump?

Balthazar: … yes

Peter: should we investigate? It sounds like it came from Ben’s room

Balthazar: ok

Peter: be quiet. If it’s ben and bea doing something against the rules I don’t want them to escape before we can catch them.

Balthazar: ok

\---

Beatrice: that was so close omg

Ben: but it was good fun, yeah?

Beatrice: I guess.

Beatrice: Thanks for listening.

Ben: It’ll be fine. Hero and John are their own people. Two very incredible, caring people, I may add.

Beatrice: You’re right.

Beatrice: I forget a lot.

Beatrice: I mean, I just keep thinking about last year and how awful it was.

Beatrice: and hero keeps saying a year ago was so long ago and I understand that, but it was still just a year ago. A year! Ben! A year!

Ben: I was there. Why is a year significant?

Beatrice: Is that really enough time for John’s personality to change?

Ben: No… I think it’s just enough time for the incredible parts of his personality to shine out. 

Ben: And hero deserves to be happy. She’s happy with him. And she’s smart. 

Ben: … She’s been hurt before by a guy. It’s left scars, yeah, but it’s made her even kinder, if possible, and so much more cynical. 

Beatrice: That’s contradictory. 

Ben: It is not!

Beatrice: Yes! IT IS BENEDICK

Ben: Anyway

Ben: the combination will keep her safe. That, and, John is a GOOD GUY

Beatrice: if you say so.

Beatrice: I’ll have my doubts secretly for a while, I guess. 

Ben: Okay

Ben: Just don’t go around telling John what to do anymore, yeah?

Beatrice: Oh god no. Never again.

\---

Peter: you still awake?

Balthazar: no

Peter: … Ok. Sleep well.

\---

Peter: I’m pretty sure there was a girl in Ben’s room.

Freddie: Oh my god it’s so late

Freddie: was it bea?

Peter: Yes I think so

Freddie: do you have proof?

Peter: No, she got out the window before Balth and I could get there

Freddie: No proof, let me sleep

Peter: okay sorry

\---

Peter: you got away with it this time mate

Ben: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Ben: I’m really a stand-up citizen.

Peter: Right… 

Ben: In fact, most people would consider me to be an angel

Ben: I could have easily played the angel in Faustus

Ben: God, I would have been good

Ben: I’m just so angelic

Ben: you wouldn’t have been nearly as good at the angel as I would have

Ben: I think I’m going to try out for a play next time

Ben: and try to be the hero

Ben: the angelic one

Ben: are you still there?

Peter: shut up and go to sleep

Ben: you too, mate


	15. balthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donalduke style.

11/6/2015 03:45p

John: oh my god did you know they were planning a giant party like with a lot of people and everything

Hero: Yes… it’s all over youtube.

John: oh my god

Hero: You okay? 

John: I don’t do birthday parties. 

John: Not anymore.

Hero: It’ll be fine.

Hero: John?

Hero: John. You’re going to be okay.

\---

11/6/2015 05:22p

John: I’m going to fuck it all up

Hero: What? No you’re not.

John: I hate birthdays

John: I might just disappear for the evening

John: I’m historically horrible when it comes to birthdays

Hero: One bad birthday party doesn’t make you bad at birthdays.

John: Not one bad. So many bad. Every birthday party was bad for me. I hate them so much.

Hero: What other birthday parties went poorly? Do you want to talk about it?

John: Sure. When I was six, I didn’t have a birthday party – there was no money. When I was 8, I went to a friends’ party, and said something horribly wrong and I offended everyone because I didn’t understand social rules and wasn’t invited to another party for two years. When I was 12, I avoided all birthday parties but couldn’t avoid my own and my mum made me make an appearance and I was bitter and angry and ended up hurting her more than I imagined I ever would. When I went to Pedro/Peter’s birthday for the first time since I had met him, I ended up calling him a fuckface and that’s when I started hating him, and we started avoiding each other.

John: And then there’s always yours. My shining moment.

Hero: My birthday party should not still be a concern of yours.

John: We are in a relationship… yeah?

Hero: ??? Was there ever doubt?

John: There’s always doubt.

[phone call: Hero Duke to John Donaldson, duration: 32 minutes]

\---

11/7/2015 08:38p

Ben: John john johnny boy 

John: Ben.

Ben: where’d you go?

John: away

Ben: come dance with us! No rules! You can do whatever you want!

John: I need some time

Ben: … ok. 

Ben: come back to us when you can.

Ben: but take care of yourself, mate

\---

11/7/2015 11:48p

Ben: I love your boyfriend. He’s awesome.

Hero: oh

Hero: im glad

Ben: really, though, he’s an incredible human being 

Ben: you should really marry him

Hero: Ben.

Ben: that is i

Hero: go to bed

Ben: I CAN’T. I HAVE NINE MORE MINUTES OF RULE BREAKING TO DO

Hero: Okay. Well, when you’re done breaking the rules, go to sleep

Ben: BALTHAZAR WAS ALLOWED TO EAT HUMMUS TODAY

Ben: HUMMUS, HERO. HUMMUS.

Hero: Why are you texting me? Isn’t the party still in full swing?

Ben: I… need some space for a few minutes. You know?

Hero: Do you need someone to talk to?

Ben: No… no talking. But thank you.

Ben: I’ll let you go to sleep though.

Hero: Good night, Benedick Hobbes. Sleep well.

\---

11/8/2015 02:02p

John: I hate parties.

Hero: You made it through, though. Yeah? No major mishaps.

John: No major mishaps, although I am probably sleeping on the couch tonight. Thank you for being there for me.

Hero: Anytime. Really. 

Hero: Why are you on the couch?

John: No rules. Pete?

Hero: Ah.

Hero: Sorry…

John: It’s fine.

John: [draft, deleted] Although I don’t really understand the appeal myself, I’m glad Peter is enjoying himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this last week but waited to see the lolilo episode corresponding to post.... turns out i only had to add one line ;) yay! i'm pretty sure it will continue in this style, but i'll mix it with regular prose also.


	16. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened while John was gone?

John was lounging around the house, ignoring everybody and just perusing the internet, when he saw his phone ringing. He picked it up and smiled. Hero. Pressing the answer button, he said, “Hey! How are you?”

There was a long silence on the other end. 

“Hero?” he finally asked.

“J-John?” she whispered.

“Yeah?” He sat up fully, completely alert. “What’s happening?” He reached out and started pulling on his shoes and jacket, just in case.

“Can you come over?” she asked softly.

He heard a sniff through the line and cursed under his breath. “I’ll be right over. Okay? It’ll be okay, whatever it is.”

Then she hung up.

John had never been hung up on by Hero before and was a little bit surprised. He slid his phone in his pocket and zipped up his jacket, and then he was out the door. 

He had been back in Auckland for a while, and Hero had been more reserved than when he left. That was okay. John was feeling pretty reserved himself. The party had thrown him for a loop. He did wonder what was going on with his girlfriend, though.

-Girlfriend – not a girl who was a friend. No. A girl who was an extra-special friend. Significant. Terms that he felt slightly uncomfortable even thinking. Society sucks.-

John turned the corner and knocked on Hero’s door. It was opened a moment later.

Hero stood there in what she always called her “comfort clothes” – namely, leggings, fuzzy socks, a large sweater. Hair up. No makeup. 

John frowned as he looked her over. “What’s—”

Hero leaned forward and hugged him, tightly. “John,” she whispered, her voice cracking slightly.

He put his arms around her tentatively and started walking her back into the house. He shut the door and sat down on the couch with her, still hugging. “What, what… what is happening?”

“We’re hugging,” she said, voice muffled by his jacket.

“No,” he chuckled, despite himself. “What’s happening with you?”

Hero shrugged and removed herself slowly, regretfully. “I’m just emotional today. I’m sorry.” She stood and straightened herself out. “Thank you for coming. I’m sorry I dragged you away for nothing.”

“Not for nothing.” John stood and inspected her again. “You really have nothing to tell me?”

Hero nodded silently.

He narrowed his eyes. “You sure?”

She shrugged again and grabbed his hand. “Come on,” she said softly, pulling him towards the kitchen. “Let’s, I don’t know. Bake. Or we could go watch a movie in my room.”

John let her pull him but was still very skeptical. 

Reading his mind, Hero said, looking away, “I know you’re too clever to think there’s nothing actually wrong, but I just need you to pretend with me for a bit. Okay?”

“Okay.” 

\---

They were up in her room, watching a Disney Channel Original Movie. John didn’t understand the appeal but it was making Hero smile, albeit tightly. “Hey,” he said, trying to distract himself from the Jonas brothers acting like fools up on that stage. “Hero.”

She turned and smiled at him.

He leaned over and kissed her.

This was different from the first time they kissed, when John had never kissed anyone before and was uncomfortable. It was different from the second, when they said goodbye for a week or so, and it was short and sweet. It was different from when Hero kissed him spontaneously when he came back.

This one was slow and intentional and John started feeling lightheaded and more alive than he had ever been. Hero was deepening and deepening the kiss and ended up in his lap, something he was uncomfortable with, but decided against asking her to get off.

Hero decided against it, though – to his relief. She stood up so suddenly that his eyes were still closed and it took a moment for his brain to catch up. “Sorry, sorry,” she muttered, wringing her hands. “I’m so sorry.”

“For… what? For what?” John asked, slightly dazed and very confused.

Hero took a shaky sigh and smiled tensely. “Nothing.”

“No.” John grabbed her hand and pulled her closer. “Not nothing. What’s happening? What’s going on? You’ve been odd for a while now and I don’t know what to think of it.”

She pulled her hand out of his slowly. “I just… I love you. Okay? I love you.”

John smirked in spite of himself. “Is that it? I mean, I thought we determined that you loved me, even though it hadn’t been said out loud.”

“That’s not it.” 

“Then… What is?” He ran a hand through his hair and stood up in exasperation when she didn’t answer. “Damn it, Hero, I’m confused and floundering here, and I don’t know what to do.”

She flinched slightly and he started feeling horrible.

“Oh, god, now I’m sorry. Hero, I didn’t mean it.” He took her hand again, praying she would keep holding his. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” she whispered. She didn’t let go.

“Raising my voice.”

They were both silent for a while, holding hands, praying this would blow over.

-Please, God, let this blow over.-

Hero finally spoke up. “Claudio came over while you were gone.”

John lifted his head in surprise and slight anger. She kept her head down. “Oh?” he asked, nonchalantly. He hoped.

“Yeah.”

John waited for more information before pressing. “And?”

“He…” Hero sighed and glanced out the window, away from him. She hadn’t really looked at him in a couple of weeks. “Kissed me.”

He felt those words like a punch to the stomach. And then like the downward spin of a rollercoaster. His stomach was more responsive than he ever thought possible. “And?”

“I don’t know, John.” She looked at him for a second. He caught a glimpse of tear-stained face, large eyes, shaky mouth. “I’m… guilty.” She let out a short laugh and dropped his hand again. “Everyone warned me that you would hurt me, you would hurt me, I would be destroyed because of you, and I was a little nervous that it would happen. And guess what?”

John didn’t have an answer.

Hero did. “It happened. I…am…destroyed.” She finally looked straight into his face, fear plain in her own.

He frowned and sat down slowly. “Explain.”

“I… I didn’t have any idea of how to tell you that my ex-boyfriend, the person you hate, came back and kissed me… and then I was lying to you… and it’s just been eating me alive. I…” She took in a quick breath and shuddered visibly. “I’m dying.”

“That’s slightly melodramatic,” John answered in a monotone. 

“I mean… I cheated.” Hero shrugged. “With Claudio.” She laughed suddenly, short and painful. “Oh, the irony.”

“Did you want to?” John asked, still without vocal inflection.

“I… no.” Hero frowned. “Does that matter?”

“Did you kiss him back?”

Hero was silent for a long time. 

Finally, John sighed and stood up. “I guess that’s your answer. I’m… a little shocked but I knew that I wasn’t really good enough, not for you… not for Hero Duke.” He smiled sadly. 

Hero’s eyes widened. “You, not good enough for me? But… it was I who… did wrong.”

“This time.” John frowned. “Maybe you and Claudio were meant for each other. Maybe I broke you guys up and thought I was doing a good thing, but like the truly Marlowe-nian couple you are, you found a way back to each other.”

“John, no,” she whispered. Her eyes were filling with more tears. “Wait.”

“I don’t know what to say.” He frowned and took a step towards the door before turning back to her, confused, upset. “I don’t understand.”

“Understand what?” she whispered. The tears were spilling over her cheeks now. 

“Make me understand.” John decided to stay until she was done talking. “Tell me everything. I need to understand.”

“Understand what?” she asked.

“Why we’re breaking up.” He assumed.

Hero let out a sob and she sat down on her bed, shaking. “I…” She covered her mouth with the back of her hand and shook her head. “I don’t… know if… Maybe if I tell you, it hurts you worse.”

“Tell me it all.” 

“God, you’re obstinate.” She let out another shaky breath and inhaled slowly. “Okay. So. Um… we kissed a few times.”

“Yeah…” He paused. “So?”

“So… you… were obviously uncomfortable with it.” Hero paused. “And I didn’t want to push you to do anything.”

“Can you speak up?” he asked in frustration. “I can’t really hear you.”

“I… because of Ursula, I know a lot about people who are… um… asexual and aromantic.” Hero paused. “Do you—”

“I know what that is.” John narrowed his eyes at her.

“I thought that you were, maybe, um…” She was visibly uncomfortable. “One of those. So I just didn’t kiss you again, because I was too worried about it. And then, suddenly, I thought about kissing all the time. I was just kissing you in my head all the time, and I never knew how to deal with those feelings, because I had never really been so into physicality, and then you were gone, and I just missed you so much and I didn’t know what to do. And then Claudio showed up at a party that I was at, and we were chatting because I’m nice and I was slightly drunk and Ursula had wandered off and then suddenly we were kissing and I didn’t stop it because, damn it, I’m, like… I… I want and crave and need physical affection and I didn’t know how to ask it from you and… I suck as a human being.” She let out the rest of her breath and stopped her onslaught of words just as quickly as she had started.

John looked at her for a long time, studying, waiting. When Hero didn’t say anything else, he nodded, stood up, and walked out the door. 

-Goodbye. I’ll talk to you when my head gets straightened out.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahaa i suck  
> i didn't have any ideas  
> then brilliance struck  
> hahaha  
> sorry not sorry  
> i love you all


	17. Your Love Isn't Guaranteed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero chats with some people.

Hero was at her computer, steadily typing away when she got an incoming Skype call. Sniffing, she checked the name and sighed. “Hi, Beatrice,” she said quietly after answering the call. She began doing her homework again.

“Hero Duke!” Beatrice exclaimed. “Why do you look so sad?”

Hero shrugged, steadily ignoring the webcam.

“Oh, my God. Did John…” Bea’s face clouded and she shook her head ominously. “Hero, I swear, if he hurt you—”

“No, no.” Hero shook her head urgently. “No, no, he didn’t. It’s just something I’m dealing with right now, okay?”

There was a pause. “What is?”

“Nothing.” Hero looked away, down at her textbook. “Nothing. Nothing to do with John.”

“You are a horrible liar.”

Hero bit her lip and sighed. “Claudio and I kissed,” she whispered.

Longer pause.

Hero looked up and winced at the blank expression on Bea’s face. Bea was never blank, which meant she was carefully hiding what she felt. “It was an accident.”

“Oh, my God.”

“Yeah.”

“You told John?”

“Yeah.”

Beatrice frowned and seemed to fumble around for words. “Did you, I mean, are you two still… together? A thing?”

“I don’t think so.” Hero let a tear fall without meaning to. “Sorry.”

“I—I don’t…” Beatrice sighed. “I don’t know how to feel.”

“What do you mean? Nobody knows how to feel. This is all a fucking disaster.” Hero leaned her head into her hand and closed her eyes as tightly as she could for a few seconds. Opening them, she sighed again and looked at Beatrice. “So, what were you calling about?”

Bea was silent.

Again.

“Beatrice?”

“I…” Beatrice hesitated before shaking her head. “I just wanted to rant but it’s not a big deal.”

“Rant about what?” Hero asked.

“Ben.” Bea shrugged. “Just Ben.”

“What is Ben doing?”

“Have you… watched the videos?” Bea asked in surprise. “He’s doing a lot.”

Hero frowned. “I watched through when John left. There were a lot of the bath videos after that, but that’s all I know. Why? What’s going on?”

Beatrice was quiet and sighed. “Okay, Hero, just… call me back when you watch the videos. Okay? You don’t have to do that immediately, but I can’t talk to you until you know what’s happening from… well, from Ben’s point of view.”

“Okay.” Hero nodded. “Love you.”

Beatrice’s eyes uncharacteristically filled with tears. “I love you.”

\---

Hero’s hand was over her mouth, her eyes fixed on the screen. 

-I can’t breathe. Oh my god breathe.-

She stared as Costa burst into the room, sword in hand, waving it around with gusto, yelling at Peter. When the video was over, she clicked over to Skype reluctantly and called Beatrice. 

“Hello?”

“Balthazar?” she asked in surprise.

Balth stared at the camera and then smiled slowly. “Hero.”

“What are you…” she started before stopping herself. “Hey, Balth. How are you doing?”

“I’ve been pretty okay. Bea’s just went out, if you were meaning to speak to her…” Balthazar motioned to the door uncertainly.

“No, it’s fine. I’d love to speak to you.”

There was a long silence before Balthazar started. “So… how are you and John?”

Hero put a hand to her mouth and choked back a sob. “Um, sorry. I think… I think we’re… not together anymore.”

Balthazar’s eyes opened wide and he stood suddenly. “I… God, Hero, I’m sorry. What happened?” He sat back down and ran a hand through his hair, agitated. “Did you get… hurt? Are you…?”

“No, no, it’s… it’s not John’s fault.” Hero sighed. “It was me. I hurt him.”

Balthazar studied her face for a while before nodding slowly. “We’re all a mess.”

“I would say that yes… we are.” Hero laughed, a trace of bitterness hidden in her voice. “Gotta love the Donaldsons.”

“The problem is, we do.”

Hero nodded. “It’s all fucked up.”

“It is.” Balthazar nodded and Hero saw the pleasant façade begin to slip. “It’s all shit right now.”

\---

They were taking turns, telling each other what was wrong. Beatrice had come back at one point, and they were all sitting there, ranting about the people they loved. 

Hero’s phone rang in the middle of one of Beatrice’s turns and she jumped. Glancing at the screen, the blood drained from her face a little. “You guys, it’s John.”

“At least he’s fucking calling you,” Beatrice muttered.

“Answer it,” Balthazar said quietly.

She picked up the phone and answered it, her hands shaking. “H-hello? John?”

“Hero.” 

His voice sounded dead, monotone, no longer warm. It was no longer hers. 

“John!” she answered, almost desperately. 

“Can we meet?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol im in pain


	18. And do you still love me too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero and John talk.

Hero nervously turned her coffee mug around and around, watching the brown liquid swirl and settle, swirl and settle. 

She wished her stomach would settle.

Every time the door opened, she glanced up eagerly. The bell made her feel like Pavlov’s dogs, trained to look up every time it rang, desperately hoping it was John. It wasn’t this time, either. 

He was two minutes late.

She got a text and checked it hesitantly, hoping it wasn’t John cancelling on her. It wasn’t. 

“Hey darling. I just heard about what’s going on. Do you want to talk about it? –Meg”

Hero sighed. “No, not now. Maybe later. Thanks.” She shoved her phone back into her pocket and stared at her coffee again, wishing that it would either drown her or—

The bell rang again and Hero’s head jerked up. “John,” she whispered to herself, her eyes misting slightly at the sight of him. He was wearing all black again. Recently, he had been branching out into darker shades of red, purple, blue, and green, but the black was back.

He scanned the coffee shop and spotted her easily. He held up a finger to indicate he would be a moment and went to order.

Hero watched him as he moved around, ordering, paying, waiting. When he got his coffee, she smiled nervously and waited for him to sit down.

“Hero,” he said as a way of greeting her.

“John,” she said, so softly she hoped he could hear it.

“Here’s the thing,” he said, matter-of-factly. “I am very unsure of myself most of the time.”

Hero frowned. “You shouldn’t be.”

“That’s not the point,” he snapped. “The point is… I am. I just am. And when you showed an interest in me… I was… I was amazed and astonished and thought it was a fucking miracle, and you were an angel, or whatever.” John frowned to himself. “I forget everyone has flaws.”

“I—” she started.

“Let me finish… I had a speech all figured out.” He frowned again, trying to remember. “Okay. Anyway. Now I know. We all have flaws. And I have the biggest flaw of all: I really was idiotic enough to think that I was better than Claudio, or that we had enough separation from your birthday, or that any factors that brought us together were enough to keep us together.”

Hero blinked at him. “So… we’re not together anymore?”

“I guess that depends on you.” John leaned back and took a sip of his tea.

“Me?” she asked. “But… but I hurt you.”

“Why?” he asked. “I know you already gave me some bullshit answer about needing more physicality or whatever, but can you give me an actual reason?”

Hero paused and shrugged. “He was there… I really desperately wanted to kiss someone… I really have no excuses. Just that sorry reasoning.”

“Okay. So. If I were to tell you that I am actually quite uncomfortable with ‘physicality’, as you call it… Would you still want to date me?” John licked his lips suddenly in an uncharacteristic show of nervousness. “Because if you were unhappy enough that you would go and kiss Claudio, who I still hate, by the way—”

“I know,” she said.

“Then, I can only surmise that you would do it again,” he concluded.

“Was that… an ultimatum?” Hero asked in surprise.

“I suppose.” John chuckled out of nowhere, dryly, ironically. “This is starting to sound like one of those tv shows you used to make me watch. ‘You know I don’t like ultimatums, Lorelai,’” he quoted.

“I love that show,” Hero said, fighting back a smile. “You can’t just make fun of it during a serious moment like this.”

“I can do what I want. It’s my discussion.” John raised his eyebrows before sobering up. “Okay. So. Your answer?”

“I… I don’t think I would ever pressure you to do anything,” Hero said, knitting her brows together, trying to regroup her thoughts. “I also don’t think I ever want to see Claudio’s face ever again.”

“What about another guy?” John pushed. “Because I…”

“Or another guy’s.” Hero’s eyes filled up again and she delicately placed a hand across John’s. “Look—I… I really like you. I love you. And I did a horrible thing.”

John raised his other hand to stop her. “I… I’m going to send you a link. I want you to watch the video, and then really think about what you want to do. Because I’m… I’m willing… to give it another go.”

Hero brightened up. “Really?”

“If, and only if, you watch the video and… respond… appropriately. Which is really shitty for me to do, but I really don’t know how else to get through to you how hurt I am. Yeah?” John’s eyes stared into her own.

Hero nodded. “I’ll watch it.”

“And respond,” he repeated.

“And respond.” Hero stood up. “Um… I guess I should go, then.”

He nodded. “Talk to you soon.”

\---

“When you hurt someone, you have four steps: You acknowledge what you’ve done—keeping the attention off yourself, remembering that you’ve hurt another person—you apologize for what you’ve done, you thank them for the learning experience, and then you make amends. 

This fourth step is especially hard, and sometimes impossible. And you have to make sure you don’t make it their responsibility. This is on you. Making amends, while not easy, is a way for you to explain to the person, hey, shit happens, and I am a fundamentally flawed human being. I will do my best to fix it.”

Hero paused the video and wiped a stray tear away from her cheek. She picked up her phone and clicked the ‘John’ button. “Hey,” she texted. “I did something really horrible to you. I am really sorry. Thank you for showing me my own flaws—without you, I don’t think I would have realized that I can get so desperate for affection from others. You taught me that.” She sent it and started another. “I… I want to make amends. I’m not sure how, but I will do my very best to think of something and implement it.” She sent the text and wiped away another tear. “I love you, John Donaldson. You matter so much to me. You are so important. I’m sorry I made you doubt your importance and value. I love you.”

She got a text a few minutes later. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The video John sends Hero is a TedxUSU video that you can find on YouTube. It describes how we have hidden prejudices and hidden flaws that we can't know until they come to light... and it's awful, and horrible, and we watched it in my mental health class today and now I'm crying again sorry  
> I hope you enjoyed this!   
> (out of curiosity: what did you think was going to happen? What DO you think will happen?)


	19. Oh Brother, Sigh.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Peter talk.

John glanced at his phone in annoyance. He just wanted to read some of C.S. Lewis’s essays, but his phone was ringing. Sighing, he hoisted himself up and walked over to his phone. “Hello?” he asked. “Pete?”

“Hi, brother! How are you?”

“You sound chipper,” John said dryly. “How are you?”

“I’ve had a revelation. A marvelous understanding of how this world works. I really get everything now. My head is so clear.” Peter was clearly talking on and on without really thinking through it. “I haven’t felt so good in a long, long time.”

“Good,” John said shortly.

“But you never answered my question! How is my dearest little brother?”

“God,” John exclaimed. “You promised you wouldn’t ever call me that.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Peter was silent for a moment. “You okay, John? You’ve seemed better recently but…”

“No, no, I’m good,” John said, sighing, running a hand through his hair. He leaned against the wall, too tired to hold himself up all of a sudden. “It’s just been rough around here recently.”

“Oh? What’s been going on?”

“What, Hero didn’t tell everyone?” John asked, surprised and disappointed at the bitterness lacing his voice. He thought he was better than that.

“Tell everyone what?” Peter was starting to sound agitated.

John tried to reverse this. “Oh, I guess with the rift between the flats – I mean, not the rift, just how, you know, how you weren’t talking for a bit, I can understand how you wouldn’t know. I’m pretty sure she told Beatrice and Balthazar, probably, but, yeah.”

“Told them what?” 

“Oh, that… we’re… taking a break.” John winced at the word choice.

“What?” Peter asked in surprise. “This isn’t Friends, John.”

“What?” John asked. “No, it’s boyfriend and girlfriend, not together anymore…”

“Oh, sorry. Pop culture reference. I forget that you don’t understand.” Peter sighed. “What happened?”

“She, um, it wasn’t really her fault, but she, um, she and, uh, she and Claudio kissed,” John finally spit out. The words tasted dry in his mouth.

“What?” Peter demanded. “Oh, my god. Are you all right? John?”

“I’m okay. We’re okay. We’re… working things out.” John lay down on his bed and sighed. “Sorry, Pete. I don’t mean to weigh you down.”

“It’s Petrov now,” Peter mumbled to himself, thinking.

“What?” John asked, confused.

“Nothing. Sorry.”

“You’re back to being called Pedro?”

“No, no. Forget about it.” Peter paused. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. I’m actually… quite good.”

“Relapses?” he pressed.

“No.” John hesitated. “Insecurity problems have gone up but I’m okay. I really am. Thank you for being concerned though.” He waited for Peter to respond, and when he didn’t, John added slowly, “I, I love you, man.”

He heard a sharp intake of breath down the line. “I love you, too.”

“Go spend time with Balthazar.” John smiled to himself.

Peter was quiet for a bit. “It’s not that simple, you know. Once you’ve hurt someone, you can’t just magically go back to perfect.”

“I know.” 

Boy, did he know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short one for you. shawna. this is basically for you. (jk) (not really) (eowyn has lost her place as main supporter lolz)  
> i hope y'all enjoy <3


	20. And It's a Sign of Love When You Forgive Someone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who really drove Hero to Wellington?

It was really hard for a couple of weeks.

John complained about it to Peter once. “I just… I’m not good at this whole, well, the people thing. You know? I wish I knew how to be good at it, but I don’t. How do I make things better?”

“I don’t know,” Peter said honestly. “I really don’t know.”

“But you and Balthazar are… better,” John said. “More than better.”

“It’s a fucking miracle,” Peter said, before changing the topic.

John wandered around for a couple of weeks. He and Hero had a few dates, but he was still awkward and uncomfortable around her. He didn’t know where she stood, and she didn’t know where he stood, and he didn’t know where he stood, and… 

“Is this just too much work? Will it be too hard to repair what we had?” he asked Ben at one point.

Ben blinked at him, slowly, over the Skype webcam before shaking his head. “If you can repair what was broken, my god, take the chance. Repair it.”

John frowned. “Ben? You okay?”

Ben shrugged. “Watch the videos.”

\---

John was sitting on the floor, paging through a Marlowe play, eating a sandwich, ignoring his problems. It was going pretty well, for about thirty minutes. That’s usually how long it took for his problems to rear their nasty head again.

There was a knock at his door. John glanced up and sighed. “Come in.”

Mrs. Donaldson poked her head in the door. “John? Hero’s here. Do you want to see her?”

John hesitated. “I should…”

“Yes,” she said definitively. “You most definitely should.”

John blinked in surprise before standing up. “Okay. Let her in.”

Mrs. Donaldson nodded and disappeared.

Hero came through the door a minute later.

John couldn’t help it and let out an involuntary gasp. “Hero… Oh, god, Hero. Are you alright?”

Hero sniffed and adjusted her coat before meeting his eyes. “John,” she whispered, “would you…” She sniffed again and wiped at her eyes. “Never mind. I’m… I’m going to Wellington.”

He raised his eyebrows and advanced towards her. “Everything all right?”

“No.” She let out a laugh, one of those laughs people do when they’re trying not to cry. “I’m not all right. I have to see Beatrice. So I’m driving to Wellington.”

“Driving?” he exclaimed. “By yourself?”

“Yes.” Hero straightened her shoulders and seemed to grow three inches. “I will be back, soon, but I just wanted to let you know. I… Yes. I will be back but I wanted you to know. Sorry, I just repeated myself, and… Yeah.”

John stared at her for a few seconds before reaching out and holding her in a long hug.

Hero tentatively wrapped her arms around him and then clung, like a lifeline. She let go and started sobbing, real, heaving sobs that left him hollow and made her seem more vulnerable than she had been since her sixteenth birthday party.

When she had finished her cry, John let go reluctantly. “I’m going with you,” he decided.

“What?” She stared at him. “You can’t.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“You have… stuff… here,” she said quietly.

“You’re more important than any non-existent stuff I have here,” John said. “I’ll drive you. I don’t want you driving in this condition.”

Hero opened her mouth to argue before deciding against it. “All right.”

\---

They were on the road, both quiet. The radio was playing soft Christmas music in the background. John glanced at Hero every now and then, but she kept her head turned out the window.

“Leo’s sick,” Hero whispered two hours into the drive.

John jumped at the sound of her voice and turned to look at her. “How sick?” 

“Cancer,” she said, her voice a little stronger. “It’s… the recovery rate is quite good, actually, but, it’s… He’s my brother.”

“I know.” John stared at the road, the fields, the passing cars, Hero’s face again. “I know. Are you all right?”

Hero shrugged, keeping her face turned away. “I have to tell Beatrice in person.”

“I understand.” John reached over and took her hand in his free one. “I do, I promise.”

She wiped her face with one hand and tightened her grip on John’s with the other. “Thank you so much.”

“I love you,” he blurted out.

Hero turned to stare at him now. “You…”

“I never thought I would love anyone. Ever.” John stared out the front window, his heart racing, words tumbling out of his mouth. “I thought loving people was… not for me. I mean, it hadn’t really happened before, besides my mum, and I was content with that, and I thought I would never be good enough for you, because you’re an angel, and you… you love me, and I love you, and I thought it wouldn’t ever happen. But here we are.”

She studied his face for a few minutes, letting the silence drag on and on.

Finally, she spoke. “I love you, too.”

\---

“Oh, my god,” Hero exclaimed. “Answer your phone!”

They were about ten minutes away from the flat and nobody was answering their phone. 

John reached over and took Hero’s hand again. “Hey,” he said, glancing over at her, “it’ll be all right. They’ll be there. We’ll see them. You’ll get to talk to Beatrice.”

Hero frowned. “I just… I wanted to… not spring this on them. I mean, what could they all be doing?”

“Pedro’s probably making out with his boyfriend.” John gave a half-grimace, half-smile that made Hero actually crack a grin.

“Pedro? Is he Pedro now?” Hero asked.

“Who even knows?”

“Anyway. What would Beatrice be doing? Or Ben? I even called Freddie, and she’s not answering. Who else is there?” Hero frowned. “Balthazar!”

“Probably with my stepbrother.” John’s smile faltered at the look on Hero’s face. “Never hurts to try, though,” he added hopefully.

No such luck, however. Hero just had to wait.

John pulled up outside the flat and peered in the windows, puzzled. “What are they doing,” he breathed.

Hero stared with him.

The flat looked like it was a disaster inside. There were at least eight people there… probably more. Pillows were everywhere, food, feathers…

“Oh, my god, someone is getting tarred and feathered in there,” John exclaimed.

“No one is,” Hero countered. “Look. They’re laughing.”

John looked again, and, sure enough, everyone was laughing and hugging and having fun.

“Who is that?” Hero asked, motioning towards Costa. “Is that Faustus man?”

“Yeah.” John made a face. “I met him at Balthazar’s party.”

They stared in the window for a while longer before Hero shook her head. “I can’t, I… I can’t go in there. Not now. They’re so happy. I’m a, I’m… I’m a disaster.” Her breath started coming faster and she shook her head over and over, retreating back as far as she could. 

“You’re not—”

“Look at me!” Hero demanded. “I’m… I’m…I’m a…a…” 

John grabbed both her hands and forced her to face him. “Okay. Breathe. In.” He paused. “Out. In. Out. Come on, Hero, in. Out.”

Hero began breathing to his slow beats and, after a few minutes, started feeling the aftermath of her panic attack – the second attack she had ever had. “Oh, shit,” she muttered to herself. “I’m…”

John gripped her shaking hands and struggled to not cry himself. “It’s okay.”

“I…” Hero glanced up at John’s face. “I’m okay now.”

“You sure?” he asked.

She nodded and opened the car door. “Okay. Can you wait here for a moment?”

John nodded and watched her go inside. He saw the celebration end suddenly and there was Beatrice, hugging Hero with no questions, no demand for an answer, only love.

“Oh, John Donaldson,” he muttered to himself, “and you think you love Hero Duke. Look how she holds her cousin.” He shook his head, amazed. “They’re the real love story of this narrative.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this might be au but in my head it's canon  
> i think this fic is wrapping up... i've liked going alongside lolilo and now that's it's ending (IN CANON BUT NEVER IN MY HEART) i think this might be, too. don't worry. i've started writing fic again. i might never stop again.


	21. She's the One With Heaven in Her Lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ending, a new beginning.

John smiled and held out his hand for his girlfriend. “Hero,” he said pleasantly. “How’s Leo?”

Hero smiled and took John’s glasses off his face. “He’s doing okay,” she said quietly. “Chemo is going well. He’ll most likely make a full recovery.”

John let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Putting down his book, he took Hero into a full hug. “I’m so glad,” he whispered.

She hugged him back and they stood that way for a while. “John?” she started.

“Yes,” he murmured into her hair.

“I know that a lot has happened this year, between us. You know.”

John pulled back a little, surprised at the nervous tone in her voice. “Yes.”

“And I know we struggled…” Hero glanced up at him and ducked her head immediately. “Are we… are we good?”

“Why wouldn’t we be? We spend so much time together…” John said hesitantly. “We… we seem good. Don’t we seem good?”

“Yes, we do.”

“But?”

She sighed. “You never said you forgave me, or that we were good, or that we were even back together. You know?” 

“Oh.” John’s whole body relaxed and he smiled. “Hero?”

“Yes?”

He sat her down and his smile grew. “We’re good. I forgive you. I forgave you a while back. I think I told you, honestly. Probably not explicitly enough.”

Hero blinked back sudden tears and smiled slowly. “We’re good?”

He nodded. “We’re so good.”

She giggled suddenly and put his glasses on her own face. “Well, then, Mr. Donaldson. I have to say that I’m… I’m very pleased. Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome, Miss Duke. Now… may I have my glasses back now?” John extended a hand and grinned down at her.

Hero glanced around the room. “How… How do you see anything through these?”

“They match my eyes,” John said, amused.

“They’re horrible. Your eyes are horrible.” Hero shook her head, feigning disappointment.

“Are they?” John teased her, taking the glasses back and picking up his book again.

Hero turned to him, very serious all of a sudden. “Your eyes are lovely.”

John blinked in surprise.

“I especially like it when you blink at me like that.” Hero smiled and touched his face gingerly.

“Like what?” he asked.

“Like… like you have no idea who I am or how you got here. It’s very endearing.” Hero laughed.

“I haven’t been called endearing since I was small,” John retorted, wrinkling up his nose. “It’s very weird.”

Hero laughed again and kissed his forehead. “I love you.”

John kissed her forehead and hugged her again. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo. thank you to everyone who stuck with this fic!!! i can't believe i'm finishing it but it feels right. i'll probably write more fic about donalduke later because DONALDUKE but this one is now over. 3   
> thank you thank you thank you for reading.  
> please let me know what you think!


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